Ted Cruz’s jaw drops; Cracks marble floor in Capitol

Terrorist Abu Anas al-Libi captured while trying to sign up for Obamacare

Washington, D.C. (Bob’s Blog):  According to an unnamed NSA source, the high-level al Qaeda terrorist Abu Anas al-Libi was captured trying sign up for Obamacare. Battling a wild-fire case of hepatitis C, al-Libi was desperate for health care and buying coverage through an Obamacare exchange seemed to be his best chance of coverage. There is no way of knowing how he was planning to access the program since his is clearly not an American citizen. But it is clear that the unpopularity of the Affordable Care Act has been restricted to Republican politicians and their supporters.

The NSA source said, “Even though thousands of hopeful Americans were stifled by computer glitches and jammed phone lines, we were able to isolate al-Libi as he filled out his application form online.” The source added, “He (al-Libi) may have been a brilliant terrorist but he forgot not to use his real name. And since we’re watching and listening to everybody on the planet all the time no matter what they’re doing, this type of mistake was going to set off alarm bells all over the NSA offices.

The source also said that al-Libi was signing up for a policy that was far better and cheaper than the one he had through al Qaeda. Citing an interrogation tape, the source said that al-Libi explained that he would earmark his health care savings for Tea Party Republican political campaigns. “There’s no way we could bring America down as quickly and completely as the Tea Party is doing right now,” al-Libi said.  

Affectionately known around the water cooler as “Eewww”

San Diego City Council begins search for at least one woman whose ass Mayor Filner did not grab.  

San Diego, CA (Bob’s Blog):  In the wake of recent sexual harassment charges coming in like text messages on a teenage girl’s cell phone, San Diego City Council has begun a search for at least one woman whose ass has not already been grabbed by Democratic Mayor Bob Filner.

Council President Sherri Lightner said that actually finding an adult female in San Diego who had not been fondled, groped, felt up, insulted, harassed, propositioned, kissed or hit on became almost impossible just two weeks after Filner took office in 2012.

“We were amazed,” Lightner said, “at how quickly Mayor Filner was able to gross out every single woman he met. We attributed his gift of grab to his 10-year stint as a U. S. Representative from California’s 51^st Congressional District. He was amazing even by D.C. standards.” Filner is shown at right demonstrating that his right hand is not where he wants it to be.

From 2007 to 2011, Filner served on the House Committee on Veterans Affairs. Filner admitted that he asked to be excused from that post after discovering that the position had absolutely nothing to do with affairs with women.

Filner’s early political career began as a San Diego school board member who championed a “back to basics” approach to education. At the time, no one understood that he actually meant sex education.

Filner has agreed to leave his position as mayor on August 30, 2013. He contends this move is not because of the multitude of claims being made against him but rather that his responsibilities as mayor were conflicting with his desire to continue being a full-time prick.

Carnival proud that ship didn’t sink

In lieu of fancy cruises, many planning vacations at home in their own septic tanks

Miami, FL (Bob’s Blog): A spokesperson for Carnival Cruise Lines confessed that recent surveys show people are reacting to the still-limping economy by taking vacations at home and booking rooms in their own septic tanks.

When one reporter suggested that the economy is actually getting better and that such a trend might instead be a reaction to the seemingly regular incidents where engine room fires cripple their ships turning them into floating toilets, the spokesperson denied that conditions on the most recently affected cruise on the Gulf of Mexico were all that bad.

“Our dedicated employees have made not having toilets, power, food, water and other luxuries seem like a walk on the beach,” said the spokesperson.

Not coincidentally, most passengers told their families at home via cell phones that they would have preferred actually walking on a beach … any beach … anywhere … including ones in New York under three feet of snow in hurricane force winds.

One couple, however, was pleased with their recent trip. “We much prefer the ‘fire cruises’ to the ‘ecoli cruises’ when everyone gets deathly sick and has to spend three weeks in intensive care barfing their guts out,” said John Schlitz. “I suppose this trip didn’t bother us like the others since my wife and I both lost our sense of smell after catching Legionnaire’s disease last year on a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas.”

The Carnival spokesman said that they would refund affected travelers’ expenses and pay 50 percent of any nasal transplant surgeries necessitated by the week of breathing sewage. Carnival has also hired a social director to create new fun games including the over-the-rail pooping game, pissing for distance, 101 ways of making an onion sandwich and other fun ideas created by Carnival’s happy passengers.

Some observers said it was difficult to take Carnival’s claims as factual since the crews of the three tug boats assigned to tow the crippled ship into Mobile, Alabama were all seen wearing hazmat suits. Also wearing the suits were the dock workers in Mobile who were just starting to unload a shipment of bleach.