Carnival proud that ship didn’t sink

In lieu of fancy cruises, many planning vacations at home in their own septic tanks

Miami, FL (Bob’s Blog): A spokesperson for Carnival Cruise Lines confessed that recent surveys show people are reacting to the still-limping economy by taking vacations at home and booking rooms in their own septic tanks.

When one reporter suggested that the economy is actually getting better and that such a trend might instead be a reaction to the seemingly regular incidents where engine room fires cripple their ships turning them into floating toilets, the spokesperson denied that conditions on the most recently affected cruise on the Gulf of Mexico were all that bad.

“Our dedicated employees have made not having toilets, power, food, water and other luxuries seem like a walk on the beach,” said the spokesperson.

Not coincidentally, most passengers told their families at home via cell phones that they would have preferred actually walking on a beach … any beach … anywhere … including ones in New York under three feet of snow in hurricane force winds.

One couple, however, was pleased with their recent trip. “We much prefer the ‘fire cruises’ to the ‘ecoli cruises’ when everyone gets deathly sick and has to spend three weeks in intensive care barfing their guts out,” said John Schlitz. “I suppose this trip didn’t bother us like the others since my wife and I both lost our sense of smell after catching Legionnaire’s disease last year on a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas.”

The Carnival spokesman said that they would refund affected travelers’ expenses and pay 50 percent of any nasal transplant surgeries necessitated by the week of breathing sewage. Carnival has also hired a social director to create new fun games including the over-the-rail pooping game, pissing for distance, 101 ways of making an onion sandwich and other fun ideas created by Carnival’s happy passengers.

Some observers said it was difficult to take Carnival’s claims as factual since the crews of the three tug boats assigned to tow the crippled ship into Mobile, Alabama were all seen wearing hazmat suits. Also wearing the suits were the dock workers in Mobile who were just starting to unload a shipment of bleach.