Fox News to be renamed The Propaganda Channel (TPC)

     In a stunning admission that they are not a news network but a purveyor of right-wing innuendos, false accusations, backward interpretations of events and outright lies, the Board of Directors at Fox News have decided to bravely rename their show The  Propaganda Channel.

     “Starting immediately, we are no long attempting to report any events accurately,” said Sean Hannity. “We’ve found that it simply isn’t necessary to waste money obtaining facts when our viewers won’t believe them anyway."
     Reporters at other networks are not surprised and took issue with the idea that Fox would just now abandon attempts at accurate reporting. "We've not encountered an actual Fox journalist anywhere near Washington, D.C. or New York for decades," said an ABC White House correspondent.
     “We thought they were extinct;” said Chuck Todd of MSNBC, “We figured they were all victims of facts that made their heads explode.”
     Attempts to reach a reporter at Fox were unsuccessful. We were told that any journalists they might still have on their payroll were all out touring a bourbon factory in Kentucky.

 

Trump administration seeks site for cabinet meetings at Rikers Prison

White House aides have begun a search for sites to hold future cabinet meetings at Rikers Island Prison.
"With so many of Trump's people heading for jail, it seemed like a logical next step," said Sarah Huckabee-Sanders at today's press briefing. "It's simply easier to go there than it is to do all the paperwork to get them out of prison long enough to have them come here to the White House.

Prison officials are seeking help from New Jersey's Attorney General to prevent the move saying that their budget is not adequate to provide the security needed to transport that many of Trump's incarcerated "Best People Ever" to Washington D.C.
Speaker Paul Ryan has promised to close another National Park or put another 100,000 people living in Medicare facilities out on the street in order to find the funding for the President's request.
Critics of the President say it would be simpler to move the entire White House staff to Rikers as long as Trump is President. One Democratic Senator said they'll relocate the White House to an Evangelical church when Vice President Pence takes over.

Ted Cruz’s jaw drops; Cracks marble floor in Capitol

Terrorist Abu Anas al-Libi captured while trying to sign up for Obamacare

Washington, D.C. (Bob’s Blog):  According to an unnamed NSA source, the high-level al Qaeda terrorist Abu Anas al-Libi was captured trying sign up for Obamacare. Battling a wild-fire case of hepatitis C, al-Libi was desperate for health care and buying coverage through an Obamacare exchange seemed to be his best chance of coverage. There is no way of knowing how he was planning to access the program since his is clearly not an American citizen. But it is clear that the unpopularity of the Affordable Care Act has been restricted to Republican politicians and their supporters.

The NSA source said, “Even though thousands of hopeful Americans were stifled by computer glitches and jammed phone lines, we were able to isolate al-Libi as he filled out his application form online.” The source added, “He (al-Libi) may have been a brilliant terrorist but he forgot not to use his real name. And since we’re watching and listening to everybody on the planet all the time no matter what they’re doing, this type of mistake was going to set off alarm bells all over the NSA offices.

The source also said that al-Libi was signing up for a policy that was far better and cheaper than the one he had through al Qaeda. Citing an interrogation tape, the source said that al-Libi explained that he would earmark his health care savings for Tea Party Republican political campaigns. “There’s no way we could bring America down as quickly and completely as the Tea Party is doing right now,” al-Libi said.  

Affectionately known around the water cooler as “Eewww”

San Diego City Council begins search for at least one woman whose ass Mayor Filner did not grab.  

San Diego, CA (Bob’s Blog):  In the wake of recent sexual harassment charges coming in like text messages on a teenage girl’s cell phone, San Diego City Council has begun a search for at least one woman whose ass has not already been grabbed by Democratic Mayor Bob Filner.

Council President Sherri Lightner said that actually finding an adult female in San Diego who had not been fondled, groped, felt up, insulted, harassed, propositioned, kissed or hit on became almost impossible just two weeks after Filner took office in 2012.

“We were amazed,” Lightner said, “at how quickly Mayor Filner was able to gross out every single woman he met. We attributed his gift of grab to his 10-year stint as a U. S. Representative from California’s 51^st Congressional District. He was amazing even by D.C. standards.” Filner is shown at right demonstrating that his right hand is not where he wants it to be.

From 2007 to 2011, Filner served on the House Committee on Veterans Affairs. Filner admitted that he asked to be excused from that post after discovering that the position had absolutely nothing to do with affairs with women.

Filner’s early political career began as a San Diego school board member who championed a “back to basics” approach to education. At the time, no one understood that he actually meant sex education.

Filner has agreed to leave his position as mayor on August 30, 2013. He contends this move is not because of the multitude of claims being made against him but rather that his responsibilities as mayor were conflicting with his desire to continue being a full-time prick.

Carnival proud that ship didn’t sink

In lieu of fancy cruises, many planning vacations at home in their own septic tanks

Miami, FL (Bob’s Blog): A spokesperson for Carnival Cruise Lines confessed that recent surveys show people are reacting to the still-limping economy by taking vacations at home and booking rooms in their own septic tanks.

When one reporter suggested that the economy is actually getting better and that such a trend might instead be a reaction to the seemingly regular incidents where engine room fires cripple their ships turning them into floating toilets, the spokesperson denied that conditions on the most recently affected cruise on the Gulf of Mexico were all that bad.

“Our dedicated employees have made not having toilets, power, food, water and other luxuries seem like a walk on the beach,” said the spokesperson.

Not coincidentally, most passengers told their families at home via cell phones that they would have preferred actually walking on a beach … any beach … anywhere … including ones in New York under three feet of snow in hurricane force winds.

One couple, however, was pleased with their recent trip. “We much prefer the ‘fire cruises’ to the ‘ecoli cruises’ when everyone gets deathly sick and has to spend three weeks in intensive care barfing their guts out,” said John Schlitz. “I suppose this trip didn’t bother us like the others since my wife and I both lost our sense of smell after catching Legionnaire’s disease last year on a Carnival Cruise to the Bahamas.”

The Carnival spokesman said that they would refund affected travelers’ expenses and pay 50 percent of any nasal transplant surgeries necessitated by the week of breathing sewage. Carnival has also hired a social director to create new fun games including the over-the-rail pooping game, pissing for distance, 101 ways of making an onion sandwich and other fun ideas created by Carnival’s happy passengers.

Some observers said it was difficult to take Carnival’s claims as factual since the crews of the three tug boats assigned to tow the crippled ship into Mobile, Alabama were all seen wearing hazmat suits. Also wearing the suits were the dock workers in Mobile who were just starting to unload a shipment of bleach.

Post Election Briefs 

 

 

 

GOP offers Hispanics road to citizenship as long as they promise not to vote —   In the wake their weak election-day performance with Hispanics, many Republicans are giving new consideration to passing the Dream Act that will afford Hispanics a path to citizenship. Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-South Carolina) said, “We need to wake up from our little siesta, move the enchilada wagon forward and bring young Hispanics into our Republican casa.  I believe we can generate support for the Dream Act as long as the beneficiaries are never allowed to vote.” Graham added that his colleague Sen. James DeMint (R-South Carolina) has already climbed on board and has an idea that will help the bill garner Republican support. Called the “You Have To Speak English To Get Health Care” amendment, DeMint believes this is the type of compromise that will guarantee increased attention from Hispanics in 2016.

Newt:  “We must strengthen “bubble” to reject election results”— Republicans who are presently “hand wringing” over their abysmal performance in this year’s national elections including the Presidential race are promising their supporters that changes will be made to make this painful experience a thing of the past. Interviewed on the Today Show, former House Speaker and Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich said, “Considering the pain the election results have caused, our best course seems to be to strengthen the bubble so that even elections results cannot penetrate. We’ve already successfully prevented facts, information, truth and reality from getting in, but up until now, election results always got through. That has to stop. We need to find someone who can teach other Republican candidates how to simply ignore negative vote totals when they come in.”

 

Gingrich added that the RNC has already narrowed their choice of lead man on this task to either Karl Rove or soon-to-be-former Florida Rep. Alan “All-Democrats-Are-Communists” West.

When Matt Lauer asked if Republicans had considered actually changing their policies toward Hispanics, women, economics, taxes, spending, foreign affairs and domestic issues, Gingrich laughed, “Good one, Matt.”

Scott wins coveted “Voter Suppression Award—Gov. Rick Scott (R-Florida) has won the coveted GOP Voter Suppression Award for producing record lines and seven-hour delays in this year’s Presidential election. “I’m happy for the award,” Scott said, “but I’m still disappointed that our extraordinary efforts at discouraging Obama supporters from casting ballots did not produce the large victory we had hoped for. We grossly underestimated what we call the ‘Wet Paint … Do Not Touch’ syndrome. When we cut early voting by six full days and the legislature piled on those crazy 12 constitutional issues, we figured we would deliver Florida for Romney. I guess they just got mad.” Scott added that they’ll do better next time. “For 2016, we may require voters to produce their country club membership cards to get their ballots.”

Running out of generals, Pentagon names corporal to lead troops in Afghanistan— The sex-scandal-induced resignation of David Petraeus has apparently lassoed the top commanding officer in Afghanistan, Gen. John Allen. As the FBI continues its investigation of thousands upon thousands of e-mails and notes passed during study hall, the Pentagon is fearful that the scandal will affect almost every officer in the Afghani Theater. In fact, as Sec. of Defense Leon Panetta has been reviewing the e-mails and notes, he has come to the conclusion that the only remaining officer who is not mentioned in one of the e-mails is Corporal Max Schmuckberger who arrived for his first tour of Afghanistan just one week ago. Apparently, he had not been assigned an e-mail address yet.

Obama calls San Diego “cliff rescue” team to Capitol —  Facing the prospects of a stalemate with Congress, President Obama has called Sgt. Weldon Glance, the head of the San Diego Cliff Rescue Squad (SDCRS) to come to Washington to train his staff how to get off the cliff if budget talks stall. The SDCRS is very active on the cliffs overlooking Black’s Beach, famous for nude sunbathing. “People can’t just wander onto Black’s Beach,” said Sgt. Glance. “To get on the beach, people either have to walk miles or descend the steep cliffs above the beach. Unfortunately, many people get stuck on the cliffs. That’s where we come in.” President Obama said the training is appropriate since it will help his team focus on the boobs in Congress who are holding the nation hostage to extend lower tax rates for their wealthy contributors.”

Note:  Sorry it's taken so long to add a post to my blog. Would you believe I've been helping W clear brush at the ranch?

Just in case, Portman brought his birth certificate

In mock debates, Portman’s "Obama” positions gaining support from Romney’s staff

Columbus, OH (Bob’s Blog): It's no secret that Ohio Sen. Rob Portman has been playing President Obama in the mock debates for Republican candidate Mitt Romney. What is not being disclosed is that the positions Portman has been taking are winning considerable support from Romney’s staff.

Brett O’Donnell, Romney’s campaign coach, lamented “It never occurred to us that Obama’s ideas coming out of the mouth of a fellow Republican make a lot more sense than the constant stream of lies, fabrications, flip-flops and insanity that we had to adopt to get the nomination.”

“Frankly,” he added, “I can’t believe we won the first debate Wednesday. Up until then, Portman was 19 and 0 in our practice debates.”

When asked his opinion as to why the President seemed so flat, O’Donnell said, “We’re not sure, but we heard rumors that their mock debates with John Kerry were held on Kerry’s SeaDoo and didn’t go well.”

One reporter asked O’Donnell what position changes they've made in preparation for the second debate. “All of them,” he said. “You know the Etch-A-Sketch thing wasn’t just a metaphor. We’ve done all our planning on one. Romney insists on fluid positions.

In sports news, the Cleveland Browns have already lost their game against the New York Giants tomorrow afternoon. Science fiction experts contend that seeing the Browns lose another game in the future is the closest thing we have to time travel.