Murchochs apologize

Murdochs’ apology focuses on journalistic ethics of getting caught. Both vow to improve on previous remedy of simply paying off victims.

LONDON: (Bob’s Blog) News Corporation’s bosses Rupert and James Murdoch issued their humble apologies for apparently doing nothing wrong. The father and son duo responded to a barrage of questions from a committee of Parliament with a barrage of I-don’t-knows and I-don’t-have-that-informations.   Deftly utilizing a clever stuttering technique, James Murdoch demonstrated the Peter-Principal qualities that made genetics the obvious criteria for his selection as Chairman and Chief Executive of News Corporation. With his son at his side, Rupert Murdoch did his dead-on impersonation of Grumpy Old Man Walter to son James’ impression of Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham.

            James Murdoch (l.) and Rupert Murdoch (r.)                                Walter (l.) and Jeff Dunham (r.) ... see?

Both father and son said that they would be more than willing to cooperate with investigators and police but warned that it would take time to find law enforcement officers who weren’t on their payroll. The senior Murdoch said it would be considerably more difficult to flesh out employees who were guilty of hacking especially since NOT hacking would remove News Corps main investigative tool.

After the thorough grilling, the committee broke for lunch while Rupert Murdoch and his wife settled for a simple dessert of Barbasol pie.

Boehner confesses

Boehner confesses that debt ceiling impasse due to grudge over $2 price hike at favorite tanning salon

This week, Speaker of the House John Boehner explained why he is being all pissy about the vote to raise the nation’s debt limit. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m still carrying a grudge against the part of Pres. Obama’s health care bill that calls for a 10 percent tax increase on tanning salons.”

 As tears welled up in his eyes, Boehner issued his confession after a reporter noticed that the Speaker looked a little paler than normal. Most assumed that Boehner’s ashen appearance was due to the realization that defaulting on America’s debt would thrust the world into total and complete economic collapse followed by global anarchy and then thermo-nuclear war.

“No, that’s not what bothers me,” said Boehner, “I just haven’t been willing to cough up an extra $2 every time I want to bronze up my tan. It’s wrong for Obama’s plan to single out tanning salons for increased taxation.

“Besides,” Boehner added “tanning salon owners are big job creators. Besides the tanning technicians in each salon, the industry plays an integral part in keeping dermatologists employed and skin cancer clinics fully staffed … even in cloudy climates.”

“It’s easy to keep a dermatologist’s office packed in Florida, Texas or Arizona, but what about in Cleveland or Seattle? Without tanning salons in those climates, it would be almost impossible to damage your skin enough to catch skin cancer. So, it follows that Obamacare’s attack on tanning salons is a job killer.”  

Being the elected representative from Cincinnati, Ohio, makes Boehner somewhat of an expert on lousy climates and joblessness. Ohio’s unemployment rate is higher than the national average because of jobs lost in the hard-hit manufacturing sector. When asked about this fact, Boehner said, “No, that’s not the reason. It’s because Republicans have control of the governor’s office as well as both houses of the state legislature … no wait.” Boehner’s eyes welled up again as he raced off.