Boehner confesses

Boehner confesses that debt ceiling impasse due to grudge over $2 price hike at favorite tanning salon

This week, Speaker of the House John Boehner explained why he is being all pissy about the vote to raise the nation’s debt limit. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m still carrying a grudge against the part of Pres. Obama’s health care bill that calls for a 10 percent tax increase on tanning salons.”

 As tears welled up in his eyes, Boehner issued his confession after a reporter noticed that the Speaker looked a little paler than normal. Most assumed that Boehner’s ashen appearance was due to the realization that defaulting on America’s debt would thrust the world into total and complete economic collapse followed by global anarchy and then thermo-nuclear war.

“No, that’s not what bothers me,” said Boehner, “I just haven’t been willing to cough up an extra $2 every time I want to bronze up my tan. It’s wrong for Obama’s plan to single out tanning salons for increased taxation.

“Besides,” Boehner added “tanning salon owners are big job creators. Besides the tanning technicians in each salon, the industry plays an integral part in keeping dermatologists employed and skin cancer clinics fully staffed … even in cloudy climates.”

“It’s easy to keep a dermatologist’s office packed in Florida, Texas or Arizona, but what about in Cleveland or Seattle? Without tanning salons in those climates, it would be almost impossible to damage your skin enough to catch skin cancer. So, it follows that Obamacare’s attack on tanning salons is a job killer.”  

Being the elected representative from Cincinnati, Ohio, makes Boehner somewhat of an expert on lousy climates and joblessness. Ohio’s unemployment rate is higher than the national average because of jobs lost in the hard-hit manufacturing sector. When asked about this fact, Boehner said, “No, that’s not the reason. It’s because Republicans have control of the governor’s office as well as both houses of the state legislature … no wait.” Boehner’s eyes welled up again as he raced off.