Practicing in mirror was the key

Romney wins head-to-head debate with himself

Boston, MA: (Bob’s Blog) Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has made major

 headway in earning the GOP nomination by winning a head-to-head debate with himself. In a debate last night at Boston University’s Morse Auditorium, Gov. Romney was the only candidate who participated. Other candidates chose to forego the debate after agreeing that debating Romney was too confusing.

“On every issue, Mitt takes more positions than a Kama Sutra expert married to a yoga instructor,” said Newt Gingrich. “I can sure understand why Gov. Perry got confused enough in our earlier debate that he sounded like his brain jumped the tracks.” Candidate Ron Paul agreed. “Romney would have make King George believe our founding fathers were on England’s side. I don’t know why we should all be forced to debate the issues with a guy who flip-flops well enough to score a perfect 10 in the Olympic floor exercise.”

President Obama was reluctant to get involved in GOP politics but he did comment that if Republicans choose Mitt Romney as their standard bearer for 2012, he’s not sure any debates will be necessary. “From what my advisors have told me,” Obama said, “we agree on the very same issues we disagree on.”

Advisors from Romney’s campaign have been busy spinning the debate victory into solid poll numbers showing Romney surging forward from 20 percent to 20.001 percent.

Herman Cain’s campaign manager Mark Block said, “We’re not sure that (cough) Gov. (cough) Romney realized that (cough) the rest of the Republican (cough) candidates were not going to (cough, hack, snort, gulp) participate in the debate (cough.)

In one particularly sharp exchange, Romney said, “You call yourself a conservative and yet you signed into Massachusetts’ law a health care plan almost identical to Obamacare.”

In a very stern voice, Romney replied to himself, “As usual, you’re wrong about that. What I did was sign legislation for Massachusetts that’s nearly the same as Obamacare. There’s a difference.”

“How is that different?” Romney challenged.

“I did that for the people of my state. It gets me absolutely no votes anywhere else,” Romney snapped back.

When asked about the debate, candidate Michele Bachmann said she didn’t watch. “I watched Sarah Palin’s Alaska on my DVR while Marcus was in the other room listening to Streisand albums,” Bachmann said.

Romney is shocked

Perry promotes Texas solution for Washington woes: Electrocute Congress

Des Moines, Iowa: (Bob’s Blog) Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry has taken a shocking position by promoting a Texas-style solution for the troubles in Washington: Electrocute Congress.

In a stump speech in Iowa, Perry told supporters that after “taking care of Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke,” he would solve the gridlock in Washington by electrocuting everyone in Congress. “I’m not wish-washy about my approach,” said Perry, “I traded e-mails with God last night and He encouraged me to amp up my attack on anyone who demonstrates common sense.”

Opponent Mitt Romney did not comment on Perry’s plan but instead was wondering why his parents named him after a piece of baseball equipment. “I go through this every October when the playoffs are on,” Mitt said.

In other campaign news, Sara Palin bravely announced that she was chickening out. “I’ve decided not to throw my dunce cap in the ring,” she said. “Does anyone want to buy a bus?” Palin added that, although she is not going to run, she plans to stay on the permanent vacation/campaign trail as long as there are people who are willing to buy gas for that huge guzzler.  

"I'm only getting nine lies per gallon and my supporters really need more than that to continue forking over more cash to me," Palin said.

Candidate Michele Bachmann announced that she was willing to negotiate with Palin for the bus if it could run on idiotic statements instead of lies.