News Briefs

 

 
Augusta orders red tee markers—  By inviting former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and South Carolina business executive Darla Moore  to join Augusta National , the private country club that annually hosts the prestigious Masters Tournament has removed one of the last bastions of male-only access to power.  Sadly, since none of the male members have ever consented to play a round of golf with a woman, and since Augusta requires members to have a foursome, it appears that Ms. Rice and Ms. Moore will have to wait another 80 years before they can actually make a tee time.

Curiosity engineers frustrated — NASA executives are frustrated with engineers in charge of the Mars rover Curiosity. It seems that progress at driving around the Martian surface has been slowed by orange cones at a construction site that have created a traffic jam near the landing site.  One engineer said, “We apparently have no greater likelihood of finding intelligent life on Mars than we do here on Earth.” 

Cleveland proposes an All-Pre-Season season:  After two victories in their first two pre-season games, new  Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam has proposed that the entire season consist of only pre-season games. Said coach Pat Shurmur, “Since we don’t seem capable of winning a regular season game, it only makes sense that we continue to play nothing more than pre-season games.”  When asked about the Browns’ proposal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “Nice try, guys.”

Illegitimate rapists being released from Missouri prisons—   In an effort to follow up on Rep. Todd Akin’s (R-Missouri) comments about “legitimate rapes” not impregnating women, prison authorities today said they are releasing all rapists who had committed “illegitimate rapes.” Akin, who is currently running against Claire McCaskill for U.S. Senate, apparently made the comments after he had attended a Sunday school refresher course in obstetrics.  McCaskill said that she was not surprised at the comments since Akin had apparently attended Worcester Polytechnic Institute without getting an education.           

 Republicans pass embryo voting bill — Undeterred by the flap raised by Rep. Todd Akin’s comments about the ability of a woman’s eggs to differentiate between “good sperm” and “evil sperm,” Republicans have proposed legislation giving embryos the right to vote in the upcoming election. Rep. Ryan said, “We’re taking away the vote from so many adults we decided we needed a source of new voters who are likely to pull the levers for Republicans. After all, we’re the ones looking out for their interests … at least until they’re born, then the little buggers are on their own.”