Apparently, Utopia is Un-American

World peace and universal health and prosperity have finally been achieved. Tea Party members blame Obama.

Washington, D.C.: (Bob’s Blog) Tea Party members are blaming Pres. Barack Obama for the fact that world peace and universal health and prosperity have finally been achieved.

After thousands of years of war, disease, starvation, murder, thievery, sinning and global inequities in all facets of life, a brief visit by a small group of peaceful extraterrestrials created on Earth a rapture-like event that eliminated all the world’s problems including man’s desire to wage war, kill his fellow man and steal his neighbor’s possessions. After the event, no person on earth was hungry or ill. All diseases were permanently cured.

The aliens also taught Earthlings the secrets to permanently producing clean energy forever. Their methods have made consuming fossil fuels unnecessary and will permit the neutralization and safe disposal of all nuclear waste.

Prior to their departure from Earth, Pres. Obama asked a joint session of Congress for unanimous approval of a resolution to thank the aliens. The resolution was voted down by House Republicans and Senate Republicans threatened a filibuster. Rep. Eric Cantor said that the President should be held responsible for the damage done to our political system. “The President is playing a political game of one-upmanship,” he said. “We were not consulted before the aliens fixed Earth.”

In an interview with Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney accused the President of being “weak on defense for not bombing the aliens the moment they set their slimy little webbed feet on Earth.”

House Speaker John Boehner accused the President of participating in a conspiracy that prevented those in the oil and gas industry from making a profit from the aliens’ new technology. “How is America supposed to survive permanent peace and prosperity without drilling for oil and burning coal?” he said.

When asked about the strange reaction from Republicans, the President said, “I guess they think Utopia is Un-American.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann said if she is elected President, she will promote the construction of a fence around the Earth’s atmosphere to keep out all illegal aliens.

News Briefs 

It’s just too evil—  Satan has rejected a deal to purchase Fox News from Rupert Murdock’s News Corporation citing polls that show the station’s image is simply too evil. “I’ve talked it over with my team of every lawyer who ever lived and the consensus is that our brand would suffer if we added Fox News to our array of evil assets,” said the Dark Angel. “We have found that it’s only fun being evil if everyone knows we’re evil. Apparently, there are way too many viewers who are simply too, shall we say, uninformed to realize the degree to which Fox News is treading on our territory.
"It's a vicious cycle," Satan added. "People watch Fox for news and information but the more they watch it, the less informed they are. It's a thing of beauty. I'm sorry I didn't think of it."

Who needs testing?— The Department of Education has determined that election of Republicans proves that our schools are failing to educate Americans. “We have found that as the number of Republicans elected increases, test scores have shown a correlative decline,” said Sec. of Education Arne Duncan. “We simply have to make changes in our curriculum and delivery methods so that young Americans know better than to elect a Republican.” Some experts believe that the destruction of public education and the dumbing down of our citizens plays into the hands of Republicans who don’t want voters with IQs more than 100 points higher than that of Michele Bachmann.

Bronx Bombers to the rescue—   Today, President Obama was told that the federal deficit could be cut in half after implementation of an offer by the New York Yankees to contribute two week’s salary to the government. “We can run the Department of the Interior for a year on just what A-Rod makes in two weeks,” said Sec. Ken Salazar. “If this works, imagine the debt we can retire if Tiger Woods and David Beckham follow suit.”

Apple pie order—  Apple is about to introduce a new communications device capable of making totally insane people sound normal. One unnamed source inside Apple says the device will be called the iMad. The source says that the iMad prototype is currently being beta tested by candidates running for the Republican presidential nomination. “Candidates speak into the iMad and through use of a sophisticated group of applications, totally mad concepts, ideas and statements come out making reasonable sense,” said the source. He added that Apple engineers are well-aware that some serious debugging will be necessary before going public with the device.

How low can they go?— Congress’ approval rating has hit an all time low of 10 percent of Congress’  immediate family members. Discounting family, there is one guy in Topeka, Kansas who apparently approves of Congress. When asked how he could possibly approve of Congress, the man (who asked not to be identified) responded, “Would it be any better if they did get along and passed legislation?” Reporters present were all stumped for follow-up questions. Rep. Michele Bachmann said that the ratings seemed okay to her. "Ten percent isn't so bad when you consider that amounts to about half of all voters."

Strange bedfellows

World leaders to shelve personal meetings in favor of new antisocial media site called farcebook

Palo Alto, CA (Bob’s Blog): With their busy schedules filled with activities like planning wars, torturing protesters, stealing from taxpayers, gouging oil consumers, subjugating women, gassing citizens, taking bribes, growing heroin, dropping bombs, launching missiles, and other daily tasks, it’s nearly impossible for world leaders to stay connected. To solve this problem, Mark Zuckerberg is launching a new antisocial media site called Farcebook.

Farcebook will allow old friends to stay in touch, poke friends with Cruise missiles or even “live chat” with dead people. Many current and former world leaders are already excited about the prospects. Former President Jimmy Carter said he can hardly wait to see photos from his old pal Manuel Noriega who is vacationing in La Sante Prison in France. “He worked so well with our guys in the CIA,” said Carter.

And since his ouster from Libya, Moamar Gaddafi has been unavailable for his BFFL, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. “I miss his firm handshake and the whirlpool baths he had in all his palaces,” Blair said. “I especially loved the one with the mosaic tile image of Condoleezza Rice on the pool wall.”

Former President George W. Bush lamented that because Laura is not big on public displays of affection, he misses holding hands with Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Abdullah. “I suppose the new Farcebook site won’t be quite the same, but it will sure allow Abby and me to stay in touch emotionally,” Bush said.

Zuckerberg says his new Farcebook site will even allow former U.S. Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to IM with his close friend and formerly-alive Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein. “We’ve figured out a way to interface with those who have crossed over to the other side,” Zuckerberg said. “We got the idea from the movie The Sixth Sense. We’ve taken the “I see dead people” concept to the next level. Now, you’ll be able to live chat with them.”

Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann expressed some reservations about the new site. “I’m not sure my anti-virus program is current enough to prevent infection from those who died of some illness like the China Syndrome,” she said.



BCS proposes adding “Ineligible Bowl” for Jan. 1.

Only 12 football players eligible nationally as NCAA finishes doling out suspensions

Indianapolis, IN: (Bob’s Blog) After the NCAA completes final 2012 suspensions of football players who accepted illegal cash, gifts or benefits, experts have determined that 12 players will still be eligible nationally. “We can field either an offense or a defense, oh and one kicker,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. We’ll be looking for some international teams we can schedule for home games that will rotate to various stadiums from coast to coast. We’re committed to keep amateur football alive.”

When one reporter asked if players would ever reap any financial benefit from the billions of dollars that they helped bring to their universities while risking serious injuries on the field, Emmert said, “We already pay for their schooling, room and board, books and occasional keggers. That’s enough, isn’t it?"

Emmert continued, “The NCAA wants student-athletes to understand that cheating will not be tolerated. We will not allow our stadiums to become stained with corruption like the halls of Congress.”

Former Ohio State Coach Jim Tressel said that winners never cheat and cheaters never win. When reminded that he won 12 of thirteen games in 2010 with six players who would have been ineligible had he not hidden those players’ violations from the NCAA, Tressel said, “You know? I think I got an e-mail about that.”

At the prospect of losing millions in post season revenues, a Bowl Championship Series (BCS) representative said that they are planning an “Ineligible Bowl” on New Year’s Day. "It should be huge," the BCS representative said.

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said that as a Minnesota resident, she is a big football fan and can’t wait for her Badgers to win another Pac-10 title.

Perry giving athiests a reason to pray

Perry demonstrates confidence by ordering new pews and hymnals for Capitol Building

Austin, TX: (Bob’s Blog) Texas Gov. Rick Perry is apparently confident enough in his chances to win his party’s nomination and the general election that he has placed an order for new pews and hymnals for the Capitol Building.

“I know what Americans need,” said Perry. “And my first act as President will be to conduct Congressional choir tryouts. Then we’re going to balance the budget by having a national bake sale.” Perry says his wife Anita will contribute to the bake sale by making her famous sage brush salad and filet of armadillo served on a bed of cactus thorns.

When one reporter suggested that turning the Capitol Building into a cathedral might violate the separation of church and state, Perry was indignant. “When ya’ll come down to Texas and see how hot it is, ya’ll will be praying for rain just like me. Did ya’ll notice that my prayers convinced God to send Irene to leave us tons of rain. I just wasn't specific enough about where He should put it.”

Perry added that when he’s able to implement his agenda as President, more people than ever will agree that the federal government is worthless. "I believe that government is terrible; and when I'm elected, I'll prove it," Perry said.

Republican Presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann argues that she is just as committed to bringing God back to our federal government as Gov. Perry. “Remember, I was the one who prayed for tropical storm Lee this week; and Lee dumped loads of rain in the heart of Texas there in New Orleans.”