News Briefs 

It’s just too evil—  Satan has rejected a deal to purchase Fox News from Rupert Murdock’s News Corporation citing polls that show the station’s image is simply too evil. “I’ve talked it over with my team of every lawyer who ever lived and the consensus is that our brand would suffer if we added Fox News to our array of evil assets,” said the Dark Angel. “We have found that it’s only fun being evil if everyone knows we’re evil. Apparently, there are way too many viewers who are simply too, shall we say, uninformed to realize the degree to which Fox News is treading on our territory.
"It's a vicious cycle," Satan added. "People watch Fox for news and information but the more they watch it, the less informed they are. It's a thing of beauty. I'm sorry I didn't think of it."

Who needs testing?— The Department of Education has determined that election of Republicans proves that our schools are failing to educate Americans. “We have found that as the number of Republicans elected increases, test scores have shown a correlative decline,” said Sec. of Education Arne Duncan. “We simply have to make changes in our curriculum and delivery methods so that young Americans know better than to elect a Republican.” Some experts believe that the destruction of public education and the dumbing down of our citizens plays into the hands of Republicans who don’t want voters with IQs more than 100 points higher than that of Michele Bachmann.

Bronx Bombers to the rescue—   Today, President Obama was told that the federal deficit could be cut in half after implementation of an offer by the New York Yankees to contribute two week’s salary to the government. “We can run the Department of the Interior for a year on just what A-Rod makes in two weeks,” said Sec. Ken Salazar. “If this works, imagine the debt we can retire if Tiger Woods and David Beckham follow suit.”

Apple pie order—  Apple is about to introduce a new communications device capable of making totally insane people sound normal. One unnamed source inside Apple says the device will be called the iMad. The source says that the iMad prototype is currently being beta tested by candidates running for the Republican presidential nomination. “Candidates speak into the iMad and through use of a sophisticated group of applications, totally mad concepts, ideas and statements come out making reasonable sense,” said the source. He added that Apple engineers are well-aware that some serious debugging will be necessary before going public with the device.

How low can they go?— Congress’ approval rating has hit an all time low of 10 percent of Congress’  immediate family members. Discounting family, there is one guy in Topeka, Kansas who apparently approves of Congress. When asked how he could possibly approve of Congress, the man (who asked not to be identified) responded, “Would it be any better if they did get along and passed legislation?” Reporters present were all stumped for follow-up questions. Rep. Michele Bachmann said that the ratings seemed okay to her. "Ten percent isn't so bad when you consider that amounts to about half of all voters."