Santorum: Elections will be fair when only Republicans can vote

GOP proves voter fraud claims by

committing it themselves

Palm Beach, FL (Bob’s Blog): The Republican Party has proven to the nation that they were justified in passing draconian voter suppression laws by hiring Strategic Allied Consulting of Tempe (SACT), Arizona to commit fraud in five battleground states.

In Palm Beach, company spokesman Nathan Sproul took credit for signing up dead people, dogs, cats, unicorns and ACORN opponents. “That’s what we were hired to do,” he said, “register living things other than fern spores that could help the Republican ticket this November.” He added, “We figured that even if we got caught, it would have the additional positive effect of proving that voter fraud exists, something we’ve been missing in our efforts to keep those leeches from the 47 percents from voting.”

Democrats were quick to pounce on the effort. Said one administration official, “We think this approach is unacceptable. It would be like starting a war to prove we need to increase defense spending, and America’s leaders would never do that.”

Palm Beach Republicans used $3.1 million earned on E-Bay by selling bags of old election chads left over from the 2000 election to hire the consulting firm that is conducting similar registration campaigns in five battleground states. A spokesman from Florida Gov. Rick Scott’s office said, “We figured that just purging Democrats from the voting rolls wouldn’t be enough to get a toad like Romney elected.”

The GOP says it has severed ties with the consulting firm but some evidence is surfacing that indicates they will continue their assignment under a different name. One unnamed soured said that since Republicans successfully slandered the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) out of business and since they still had stationery left over, they’d adopt the ACORN acronym which will now stand for Always Corrupt Overreaching Republican Nutjobs.

In sports news, Cleveland Brown fans are ecstatic about their 0-4 start. One fan said, “We can’t believe the early season progress they’re making to earn the overall number one draft pick for next year.”

 

Brits asked to use "cherrio" instead of "ta-ta" when saying goodbye

The British Empire today declared war on

France over publication of royal boobs

London.: (Bob’s Blog) The British Parliament declared war on France today citing the decision by the French government to allow a French paper to publish topless photos of Her Royal Highness Duchess of Cambridge (nee Kate Middleton) taken while she and her husband Prince William (nee Prince William) were at a secluded chateau in the South of France.

“We are appalled that the French would publish pictures of Kate’s royal nipples,” said Prime Minister David Cameron. “The French have always shown such restraint when it comes to public nudity. I mean they put a robe on the Statue of Liberty didn’t they?”

French President François Hollande was unimpressed with the declaration of war but promised to surrender immediately.  

The Prince and Princess have not commented on the invasion of their privacy but unnamed sources inside Buckingham Palace have hinted that their lawyers will cover all the bases at trying to cover the royal boobs from public consumption. “Consumption of the Princess’ breasts is Prince William’s job,” one source said.

One member of the royal family was heard screaming about how careless it was for Kate to have exposed herself for some paparazzi with a telephoto lens to catch her in such a compromising position. “I think she should be ashamed or herself,” he said. “Being a member of the royal family carries with it an elevated sense of responsibility to use caution and good judgment before baring the crown jewels for the world to see.”

Others inside Buckingham Palace brushed off this scolding from Prince Harry (nee Prince Balls to the Wall). It was reported that the Queen asked if it would be possible to send Princess Kate to Afghanistan with Harry until things quieted down. “It seems that hanging around long enough to avoid that putz Charles from taking over was wasted effort,” the Queen said.

In other news, the Republican Party was continuing its efforts to elect its own pair of boobs by purchasing millions of dollars worth of air time. The newest ads will tout the party's ability to create thousands of new jobs for fact checkers at various news rooms across the nation.

Hillary stayed in New York to hold for extra points

Clinton claims he caught two TD passes for

NY Giants immediately before speech

Charlotte, NC: (Bob’s Blog) Bill Clinton told the delegates at tonight’s Democratic Convention that he had just caught two TD passes in tonight’s Cowboys-Giants NFL football game being broadcast by NBC while other networks were broadcasting the convention.

“I’d like to thank the Secret Service for getting me from the Cowboys-Giants game in time to speak. I’d also like to report that I caught two touchdown passes in the first half before being excused to report for duty here tonight,” Clinton said.

Clinton added, “I know what you’re thinking: How is that possible? All I can say is that if Paul Ryan ran a sub-three-hour marathon, I played tight end for the Giants tonight.”

While the crowd screamed their approval, the delegates from New York were pleading for him to cut the speech short so he could get back to the game.

Republican nominee Mitt Romney questioned Clinton’s claim saying that he doubted Clinton was able to kick any touchdowns.

Republicans to stock Tennessee River with alligators

Koch brothers open first Voter ID Store

Franklin, TN: (Bob’s Blog) In order to help disenfranchised voters, the Koch brothers have recently opened their first Voter ID Store in Williamson County, TN, considered by many to be the most conservative district in America. The store will pre-approve voting credentials for residents concerned with their voting status.

“We’re trying to keep our friends from being turned away from the polls for being millionaires,” said Charles Koch. “Frankly, we’re sick of the lines being clogged by the 10 local residents who aren’t rich. We’re paying our chauffeurs by the hour so we shouldn’t have to wait behind the riff raff.”

“Our new Voter ID Store will make it easier for any resident to vote. All they have to do is arrive in their limo to gain immediate access,” added David Koch. “They can present any of the following to get their voting credentials: their last scorecard from the country club, an auto registration for any BMW, Lexus or Mercedes or any other foreign car worth more than $75,000, a note from their broker showing a net worth of more than $25 million, or a stack of monogrammed cocktail napkins from one of their private jets. If they don’t have any of the above on election day, voters will have to show a torn ticket stub from any NASCAR race or Ted Nugent concert. A concealed carry permit will also work.”

When asked how an African-American, Hispanic or poor person might qualify to purchase an ID from their new store, Charles Koch said, “Blacks can get their credentials by swimming the across the Tennessee River 20 times or presenting a genealogical chart proving that they share at least one parent with Alan West. Hispanics have to be able to dunk a basketball from the free throw line and poor people have to show a photo ID taken by Annie Leibovitz.

When confronted with the statistics that show only 86 voter fraud convictions between 2002 and 2007 with more than 300,000,000 votes cast (0.0004 percent) mostly involving immigrants and former felons who were unaware of their ineligibility to vote, Charles Koch said, “See? It’s a massive problem. But, we’ve tried to provide equal access to all people especially those with lots of money.”