Republicans to stock Tennessee River with alligators

Koch brothers open first Voter ID Store

Franklin, TN: (Bob’s Blog) In order to help disenfranchised voters, the Koch brothers have recently opened their first Voter ID Store in Williamson County, TN, considered by many to be the most conservative district in America. The store will pre-approve voting credentials for residents concerned with their voting status.

“We’re trying to keep our friends from being turned away from the polls for being millionaires,” said Charles Koch. “Frankly, we’re sick of the lines being clogged by the 10 local residents who aren’t rich. We’re paying our chauffeurs by the hour so we shouldn’t have to wait behind the riff raff.”

“Our new Voter ID Store will make it easier for any resident to vote. All they have to do is arrive in their limo to gain immediate access,” added David Koch. “They can present any of the following to get their voting credentials: their last scorecard from the country club, an auto registration for any BMW, Lexus or Mercedes or any other foreign car worth more than $75,000, a note from their broker showing a net worth of more than $25 million, or a stack of monogrammed cocktail napkins from one of their private jets. If they don’t have any of the above on election day, voters will have to show a torn ticket stub from any NASCAR race or Ted Nugent concert. A concealed carry permit will also work.”

When asked how an African-American, Hispanic or poor person might qualify to purchase an ID from their new store, Charles Koch said, “Blacks can get their credentials by swimming the across the Tennessee River 20 times or presenting a genealogical chart proving that they share at least one parent with Alan West. Hispanics have to be able to dunk a basketball from the free throw line and poor people have to show a photo ID taken by Annie Leibovitz.

When confronted with the statistics that show only 86 voter fraud convictions between 2002 and 2007 with more than 300,000,000 votes cast (0.0004 percent) mostly involving immigrants and former felons who were unaware of their ineligibility to vote, Charles Koch said, “See? It’s a massive problem. But, we’ve tried to provide equal access to all people especially those with lots of money.”