If he only had a heart

Cheney non-apologetic for being a Dick

New York, NY: (Bob’s Blog) Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s has hit the talk show circuit to hawk his new book, In My Time. In the book, Cheney describes that his parents gave him the name “Dick” and he’s not going to apologize for having that name. “I was born a Dick, I’ve lived my life as a Dick and I’ll die a Dick,” Cheney said.

Others who know him best agree. “Not since Benedict Arnold has the country known a public servant like Dick,” said neo-con friend and war monger Donald Rumsfeld. “I’ve dropped millions of tons of bombs on people all over the world and even I couldn’t sink as low as Dick. I swear he and Leona Helmsley must have lived together in Amityville.”

Cheney, who has had a long history of heart problems resulting in surgery that replaced his heart with a margarita blender, commented that he feels just fine. He’s also pleased to announce that he no longer needs his breath screen and storm trooper helmet.

“He was like a father to me …” said former Sec. of State Condoleezza Rice, “… an abusive father who disagreed with every $@#ing recommendation I ever made. And it’s not like one of us was right and one of us was wrong,” she added. “Somehow we could be on opposite sides of an issue and both be wrong.”

Cheney has won numerous awards including the Bernie Madoff Humanitarian Award, the George Custer Commendation for Military Strategy, and the Marie Antoinette Cake Bake Off.

Cheney said that he is proud that he has always been in total, 100 percent agreement with himself. If this book sale is successful, he plans another book titled, The Grinch Who Started the War in Iraq.
Republican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said she will read Cheney's book when it comes out in Cliff's Notes.

Sgt. Schultz would have been proud

Muammar Gaddafi slips past Pakistani Army checkpoint by using alias Moamar Gadhafi

Chaman, Pakistan: (Bob’s Blog) Crack Pakistani Army Intelligence officers missed an opportunity to capture recently deposed despot Muammar Gaddafi. The former Libyan ruler and Condoleezza Rice Fan Club President apparently used a brilliant spy trick of adopting the alias Moamar Gadhafi on his passport papers.

“Who could have seen through a ruse like that,” said former Pakistani President and Army General Pervez Musharraf.  “The brilliance of not using a disguise and cleverly changing his name is more diabolical than almost any Pakistani soldier could be expected to recognize.”

“Besides,” Musharraf said, “photos taken at the check point show he wasn’t wearing dark glasses. It’s very much like when Osama bin Laden evaded Pakistani Army eyes by slouching two inches shorter than he actually was.”

Gaddafi’s whereabouts is currently unknown but high level Pakistani intelligence sources say that there is no way on earth that he’s nowhere on earth. “After utilizing the full extent of our intelligence sources, we determined that Gaddafi is somewhere,” said Gen. Haroon Aslam. “Pinpointing a specific location, that’s the challenge.”

When asked what measures they would take if they locate Gaddafi, the general said that they have a compound currently in foreclosure equipped with flat screen television, a dvd player and plenty of Condoleezza Rice videos. Meanwhile, the Pakistani Army has ordered the entire set of Hogan’s Heroes “Guarding for Dummies” training tapes.

When asked about strained relations with Pakistan, Republican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said, “First, we need to find Osama bin Laden, then if Obama doesn’t improve relations with Pakistan, I’m not buying any more Cashmere sweaters.”  

Lone Star State going it alone

To save country from its governor, Texas legislature approves his request to secede from union

Austin, Independent Republic of Texas: (Bob’s Blog) Brave legislators in Texas voted to approve Gov. Rick Perry’s previous request to secede from the union.

“After he (Gov. Perry) skyrocketed to the position of favorite among the Republican candidates for President, we had to do something to protect the rest of the nation,” said one unnamed senator in Austin. “Texans had to take the rap for eight years of George W. Bush even though we knew he was an interloper from Connecticut. But when we elected Perry, it was déjà vu all over again. We figured if we didn’t secede, the other 49 states would probably vote to give us back to Mexico anyway.”

President Obama took the news surprisingly well. “I want what’s best for America and for the people of Texas. Even though it is not what my idol Abraham Lincoln would have wanted, I think we can still be a strong nation with the 56 states we’ll have left.”

While most Americans voiced ferocious ambivalence to the vote, the strongest opposition came from Mexico City where leaders are still convinced that Texas was stolen from them in the 1800s. They have long campaigned for Texas to be given back and for Oklahoma to be thrown in as reparations. “The gringos took our land and our oil,” said one Mexican official.

Other Mexicans were not as excited about the move. “If Texas becomes part of Mexico, then I just wasted a lot of energy,” said one Mexican interviewed after he had just finished swimming across the border.

Legislators in Austin insist that Texas is no longer part of the United States and certainly is not part of Mexico. “We are an independent nation,” said one representative. “And we’re going to seek foreign aid from America to help us balance our budget.”

Michele Bachmann said that Texas should remain part of the United States. "Everyone knows that the United States earned the right to Texas when we kicked Spain's butt at the Alamo," she said.

Bachmann is RNC’s top space cadet

GOP faithful applaud RNC’s efforts to provide jobs for space cadets

Cape Kennedy, FL : (Bob’s Blog) Since the government cancelled the space shuttle program, the Republican National Committee has been doing its part to provide jobs to a large class of space cadets.

“It’s a perfect fit,” said RNC Chair Reince Priebus. “Giving this opportunity to so many of those whose heads are in the clouds means we’re on the nose cone of the job-creation rocket.” When reminded that only one of their presidential candidates will actually have a chance of becoming President, Reince said that this would be an improvement on what Congress has created since Clinton was in office.

Sources within the White House were quick to point out that the media should be leery of anyone named Reince Priebus. “It’s obviously an alien name,” said one White House aide. “If ET had had a name it would have been Reince Priebus.”

On the campaign trail, top GOP space cadet Michele Bachmann was seen searching Amazon.com for a flat globe to put in her office.

News Briefs  

Same old new worries?—  The most recent stock market plunge is being blamed on same old “new worries.” Market analysts said that this week’s nearly 420 point dive was due to new worries about France, new worries about Italy, new worries about Greece, new worries about unemployment, new worries about Congressional gridlock, new worries about oil prices, new worries … oh, crap, let’s face it, these are the same old worries.  Anyone for a game of Wii bowling?

USA USA USA— We’re #1, we’re #1, we’re #1 except in: number of college graduates -12^th (1^st=Canada); auto manufacturing-2^nd  (1^st=Japan … pre-earthquake); making beer-2^nd (1^st=China); high tech exports-2^nd (1^st=China); commercial aircraft production-2^nd (1^st=Airbus Europe); coal production-2^nd (1^st=China); lettuce production-2^nd  (1^st=China); oil production-3^rd  (1^st=Russia); rice production-11^th  (1^st=China); wind energy generation-2^nd  (1^st=China); pork production-2^nd  (1^st=China). In addition, apparently American teens are doing their part of not being #1 by ranking 25^th  in math and 17^th in science. The United States ranks 23^rd in infrastructure and 27^th in life expectancy. But, take heart, America. We’re still number one in guns owned, most crime (for rich countries), debt and obesity.  You want fries with those stats?

Good News-Bad News—   Vice President Joe Biden received good news and bad news about the outcome of the good will competition between American and Chinese athletes. The good news was that the judges scored the fights between USA v China a draw. The bad news was that it was a basketball game not a boxing exhibition. On a positive note, the trade imbalance has been evened … at least in the "trading punches" category.

There's only one way to spell ‘lunatic’—  What’s-his-name has apparently escaped from Libyan rebels whose apparent mission is to determine how their former dictator spells his name. Among the 37-plus spellings the internet has listed for “him,” journalists have often used Gaddafi, Gadhafi, Khadafi, Qaddafi, Khadafy and Gadaffi. Journalistic style editors agree that media outlets should pick ten spellings and stick with them. To promote professionalism in journalism, they also advise not using more than five spellings in the same article.

Palin’s good idea— Washington insiders are taking a second look at creating Death Panels in light of recent Social Security Trustee reports showing that the federal safety net program will be broke by tomorrow afternoon. One trustee told a Congressional committee that by 2012 employees will have to issue paychecks to their employers. While administration officials said that this would be unacceptable, they left some wiggle room when they did not react negatively to proposals from Republican Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann to eliminate the minimum wage and to bludgeon puppies on Labor Day on the Capitol steps.

Tackling problems not on GOP agenda

For third year in a row, GOP football camp focuses on “blocking”

Washington, DC : (Bob’s Blog) As the new football season rapidly approaches, GOP players and coaches are again putting 100 percent of their training efforts into “blocking” … anything the President tries to do to “tackle” the problems facing the nation.

“It used to be that blocking AND tackling were important,” said a Republican strategist working for new Presidential candidate Rick Perry. “But since Obama’s election we’ve discovered that just blocking is our most valuable tool. Heck, we Republicans haven’t tackled anything but repaying our contributors in more than 10 or 20 years.”

Recent victories in getting the Obama Administration to compromise with itself over issues like the extension of the Bush tax cuts, the raising of the nation’s debt limit and the successful defeat of a single-payer national health program have all given the Republicans reason to believe their game plan is solid.

On the campaign trail, Rep. Michele Bachmann insisted that the voters want the President to leave Iowa, return to Washington and start working on “tackling” the nation’s problems. “If he’s here, what will we have to block when we get back to Washington,” Bachmann said. “We’ve had all these blocking practices and he’s not giving us anything to block.”

Also in Iowa, Pres. Obama denied that his campaign bus trip is a campaign bus trip in the same sense that Sarah Palin is on a vacation drive. He also said that he has left Washington in good hands. “Vice President Biden is behind closed doors and in heavy negotiations about the grand plan that failed several weeks ago. He’s been making tremendous progress by utilizing the tried and true practice of simple compromise,” the President said. When asked who else is in these negotiations with the VP, Obama said, “No, it’s just Joe. He’s in there by himself. And so far this week, he’s conceded only five or six of our negotiating positions.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that things should be much easier for the Presidents team now that their playbook is down to one page: Hail Mary on one.

Bears loaded with bull

In face of economic doom, Wall Street brokers demonstrate calm … one minute at a time.

New York, NY: (Bob’s Blog) Showing all the calm and steady handedness of Chicken Little when he thought the sky was falling, brokers on Wall Street have been taking the American economy on a quite a ride … one needing barf bags.

We interviewed broker Trey Durr on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange & Fun House last week.

Blog: Trey, you just bought 50,000 shares of Pacific Paper. Why?

Trey: Because today’s jobless report shows a greater than expected number of new jobless claims.

Blog: So?

Trey: Resumes, my friend. These out-of-work saps have to submit resumes on paper, don’t they?

Blog: Well, no. In fact, many younger people are simply using new technologies to network with friends and professional acquaintances to find new employment.

Trey: Hold on. FRANK. Dump Pacific Paper, now. SELL IT ALL! They’re doomed. Now, next question.

Blog: On the other hand, many of the unemployed are older … baby boomers who haven’t been trained in the new technologies.

Trey: Really? Hold on. FRANK. BUY IT ALL BACK! Pacific Paper is on the ol’ bull train. Now, next question.

Blog: We’ve got our sound bite, Trey. Thanks for your time.

Trey: You’re … BUY, SELL, BUY, SELL … welcome … BUY, SELL, BUY, SELL.

In other news, caffeine futures are up.

More gold medal numbskulls

Olympic planners may add riotous events to London games.

London, England: (Bob’s Blog) Olympic planners in London have been inspired by street thugs to add several riot-oriented events to the 2012 games. Organizers have even suggested replacing the carrying of the traditional torch by having Prime Minister David Cameron drive a flaming bus into Olympic Stadium.

The list of possible events include: Police car tipping, rock throwing for both accuracy and distance, looting for weight, looting for total dollar value and rubber bullet dodging.

Labor leader Ed Miliband said, “It’s about time we brought the games into the 21^st Century. Adapting a track and field event like the steeple chase by asking entrants to negotiate flaming dumpsters, hurdle police barricades and avoid bobbies with clubs adds a video game-like element that will draw younger viewers.”

When asked if the rioting thugs will be invited to participate in the opening ceremonies, committee chairperson Sebastian Coe said, “Not formally; but nobody invited them to set London on fire, either; and that didn’t stop them, did it ol’ chap?”

Coe, who is a former 1980 and 1984 Olympic gold medalist in middle distance running, believes that top world competitors have an increased chance of setting new world records if they are being chased by an angry mob of ruffians.

IOC President Jacques Rogge is confident that the recent rioting in London will not affect his approach to the games since his wife has made vacation plans for them to be in the Bahamas during the games.

What goes around ...

Caddy Steve Williams joins list of those better off divorced from Tiger Woods

Akron, OH: (Bob’s Blog) Professional Caddy Steve Williams has joined the list of those who are apparently better off being divorced from Tiger Woods. The Woods/Williams divorce recently split up what many considered the most successful pro-caddy marriages in links history.

On Sunday, Woods’ former caddy Steve Williams was on the winner’s bag when Australian Adam Scott won the WGC Bridgestone Invitation in Akron, Ohio. Woods recently divorced Williams for playing around with Adam Scott while Tiger was recovering from knee surgery. “If there’s one thing that is totally unacceptable to me, it’s infidelity,” said Tiger. “That Stevie felt he could carry Adam’s bag and wash his balls was more than I could take.”

“Breaking up is hard to do,” said Williams, “and I wish Tiger only the best … in his future career as a golf analyst for CBS.” And CBS and the Golf Channel and just about every announcer, news writer and broadcaster on earth will have to do something to keep Woods in the forefront of their coverage. “We’re going to provide Tiger coverage whether the fans want it or not,” said one producer. “That’s why 95 percent of our coverage is of Tiger … 75 percent when he’s not playing.

“When he’s not out here, we have to show shots hit by … uh … you know, some of those other guys. If Tiger isn’t in a tournament, viewership and attendance drop drastically.” When asked if their myopic coverage of Tiger hasn’t actually created the problem, the producer said he’d ask Tiger in the media tent.

In response to one question about what happened to his dominating game, Tiger said that Elin got it in the divorce.  

Is hell week over yet?

To avoid downgrading, Obama asks S&P for pass-fail status

Washington, D.C: (Bob’s Blog) Seeking to avoid the recent downgrading of the U.S. economy from AAA to AA-Plus, President Obama has asked Standard & Poor’s for pass-fail status.

“If they let me take economics pass-fail, I think I can squeak by with a pass and it won’t hurt my GPA,” said the President. “I probably could have done better on my mid-terms if I hadn’t been out partying with all those Republicans. I think those darn guys are spiking the tea.”

Asked about his partying ways, several Republicans agreed that the President was fitting in well. “He’s been acting just like one of the boys,” said Republican pledge chairman John Boehner. “If he keeps this up, we’ve actually considered nominating Barack to run as a Republican in 2012.”

Rush Chairman Mitch McConnell agreed. He added that the current slate of Republican rushees was really weak. “Barack measures up well … one of the best ever,” McConnell said. “Even our late Brother Ron Reagan didn’t get us 98 percent of what we were asking for.”

   Obama classmate Timothy Geitner said, “When I was in school, an A+ was pretty darn good. Getting an AA+ should be good enough for to be on the dean’s list, shouldn’t it? I don’t see what the big deal is. Maybe we should go back to the old A, B, C, D and F scale.”

Iota Beta Drum Sorority Social Chairman Michele Bachmann was appalled at the downgrading. "I don't know how Americans are supposed to get their trip tik maps without AAA," she said.  

 Because they were on semester break, Representatives for S&P could not be reached for comment.

Olympic diving judges give Dow

perfect 10s for massive belly flop

NY: (Bob’s Blog) Olympic judges have given the DOW Jones Industrial Averages across-the-board tens for Thursday’s dive of more than 512 points.

One judge said he hasn’t seen a massive belly flop receive a perfect score like that since 2008. “Generally, contestants don’t practice belly flops. Most competitive diving judges look for clean, low-splash entries; but when we saw the Dow practically empty the pool, we really had to score it accordingly.”

When asked about the dive, the Dow modestly gave most of the credit to Congress. “By actually debating the pros and cons of destroying the American economy, members of Congress have put in thousands of hours preparing me for just this moment. I couldn’t have done it without them.”

Worldwide reaction to the rare perfect score was immediate. Other markets in Asia and Europe have been seen duplicating the belly flop dive in an attempt to become a medalist. “Silver and bronze aren’t what we’re shooting for.” said Greece. Italy echoed the sentiment. “We want the gold,” they said.

“Since just about everyone wants gold, its price has soared,” said the Dow. “I just hope that the entire pool isn’t empty the next time we have to take a plunge like I did yesterday.”

In a related story, ex-President George W. Bush was quoted as saying, “The early training programs we put in place from 2001 to 2008 are really paying dividends in this competition. While I’m proud of my role in what the Dow accomplished yesterday, I think the contributions of the current group of Republicans who are even more committed to destroying our economy can’t be ignored.”