Olympic diving judges give Dow

perfect 10s for massive belly flop

NY: (Bob’s Blog) Olympic judges have given the DOW Jones Industrial Averages across-the-board tens for Thursday’s dive of more than 512 points.

One judge said he hasn’t seen a massive belly flop receive a perfect score like that since 2008. “Generally, contestants don’t practice belly flops. Most competitive diving judges look for clean, low-splash entries; but when we saw the Dow practically empty the pool, we really had to score it accordingly.”

When asked about the dive, the Dow modestly gave most of the credit to Congress. “By actually debating the pros and cons of destroying the American economy, members of Congress have put in thousands of hours preparing me for just this moment. I couldn’t have done it without them.”

Worldwide reaction to the rare perfect score was immediate. Other markets in Asia and Europe have been seen duplicating the belly flop dive in an attempt to become a medalist. “Silver and bronze aren’t what we’re shooting for.” said Greece. Italy echoed the sentiment. “We want the gold,” they said.

“Since just about everyone wants gold, its price has soared,” said the Dow. “I just hope that the entire pool isn’t empty the next time we have to take a plunge like I did yesterday.”

In a related story, ex-President George W. Bush was quoted as saying, “The early training programs we put in place from 2001 to 2008 are really paying dividends in this competition. While I’m proud of my role in what the Dow accomplished yesterday, I think the contributions of the current group of Republicans who are even more committed to destroying our economy can’t be ignored.”