News Briefs  

Same old new worries?—  The most recent stock market plunge is being blamed on same old “new worries.” Market analysts said that this week’s nearly 420 point dive was due to new worries about France, new worries about Italy, new worries about Greece, new worries about unemployment, new worries about Congressional gridlock, new worries about oil prices, new worries … oh, crap, let’s face it, these are the same old worries.  Anyone for a game of Wii bowling?

USA USA USA— We’re #1, we’re #1, we’re #1 except in: number of college graduates -12^th (1^st=Canada); auto manufacturing-2^nd  (1^st=Japan … pre-earthquake); making beer-2^nd (1^st=China); high tech exports-2^nd (1^st=China); commercial aircraft production-2^nd (1^st=Airbus Europe); coal production-2^nd (1^st=China); lettuce production-2^nd  (1^st=China); oil production-3^rd  (1^st=Russia); rice production-11^th  (1^st=China); wind energy generation-2^nd  (1^st=China); pork production-2^nd  (1^st=China). In addition, apparently American teens are doing their part of not being #1 by ranking 25^th  in math and 17^th in science. The United States ranks 23^rd in infrastructure and 27^th in life expectancy. But, take heart, America. We’re still number one in guns owned, most crime (for rich countries), debt and obesity.  You want fries with those stats?

Good News-Bad News—   Vice President Joe Biden received good news and bad news about the outcome of the good will competition between American and Chinese athletes. The good news was that the judges scored the fights between USA v China a draw. The bad news was that it was a basketball game not a boxing exhibition. On a positive note, the trade imbalance has been evened … at least in the "trading punches" category.

There's only one way to spell ‘lunatic’—  What’s-his-name has apparently escaped from Libyan rebels whose apparent mission is to determine how their former dictator spells his name. Among the 37-plus spellings the internet has listed for “him,” journalists have often used Gaddafi, Gadhafi, Khadafi, Qaddafi, Khadafy and Gadaffi. Journalistic style editors agree that media outlets should pick ten spellings and stick with them. To promote professionalism in journalism, they also advise not using more than five spellings in the same article.

Palin’s good idea— Washington insiders are taking a second look at creating Death Panels in light of recent Social Security Trustee reports showing that the federal safety net program will be broke by tomorrow afternoon. One trustee told a Congressional committee that by 2012 employees will have to issue paychecks to their employers. While administration officials said that this would be unacceptable, they left some wiggle room when they did not react negatively to proposals from Republican Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann to eliminate the minimum wage and to bludgeon puppies on Labor Day on the Capitol steps.