Post Election Briefs 

 

 

 

GOP offers Hispanics road to citizenship as long as they promise not to vote —   In the wake their weak election-day performance with Hispanics, many Republicans are giving new consideration to passing the Dream Act that will afford Hispanics a path to citizenship. Sen. Lindsay Graham (R-South Carolina) said, “We need to wake up from our little siesta, move the enchilada wagon forward and bring young Hispanics into our Republican casa.  I believe we can generate support for the Dream Act as long as the beneficiaries are never allowed to vote.” Graham added that his colleague Sen. James DeMint (R-South Carolina) has already climbed on board and has an idea that will help the bill garner Republican support. Called the “You Have To Speak English To Get Health Care” amendment, DeMint believes this is the type of compromise that will guarantee increased attention from Hispanics in 2016.

Newt:  “We must strengthen “bubble” to reject election results”— Republicans who are presently “hand wringing” over their abysmal performance in this year’s national elections including the Presidential race are promising their supporters that changes will be made to make this painful experience a thing of the past. Interviewed on the Today Show, former House Speaker and Presidential candidate, Newt Gingrich said, “Considering the pain the election results have caused, our best course seems to be to strengthen the bubble so that even elections results cannot penetrate. We’ve already successfully prevented facts, information, truth and reality from getting in, but up until now, election results always got through. That has to stop. We need to find someone who can teach other Republican candidates how to simply ignore negative vote totals when they come in.”

 

Gingrich added that the RNC has already narrowed their choice of lead man on this task to either Karl Rove or soon-to-be-former Florida Rep. Alan “All-Democrats-Are-Communists” West.

When Matt Lauer asked if Republicans had considered actually changing their policies toward Hispanics, women, economics, taxes, spending, foreign affairs and domestic issues, Gingrich laughed, “Good one, Matt.”

Scott wins coveted “Voter Suppression Award—Gov. Rick Scott (R-Florida) has won the coveted GOP Voter Suppression Award for producing record lines and seven-hour delays in this year’s Presidential election. “I’m happy for the award,” Scott said, “but I’m still disappointed that our extraordinary efforts at discouraging Obama supporters from casting ballots did not produce the large victory we had hoped for. We grossly underestimated what we call the ‘Wet Paint … Do Not Touch’ syndrome. When we cut early voting by six full days and the legislature piled on those crazy 12 constitutional issues, we figured we would deliver Florida for Romney. I guess they just got mad.” Scott added that they’ll do better next time. “For 2016, we may require voters to produce their country club membership cards to get their ballots.”

Running out of generals, Pentagon names corporal to lead troops in Afghanistan— The sex-scandal-induced resignation of David Petraeus has apparently lassoed the top commanding officer in Afghanistan, Gen. John Allen. As the FBI continues its investigation of thousands upon thousands of e-mails and notes passed during study hall, the Pentagon is fearful that the scandal will affect almost every officer in the Afghani Theater. In fact, as Sec. of Defense Leon Panetta has been reviewing the e-mails and notes, he has come to the conclusion that the only remaining officer who is not mentioned in one of the e-mails is Corporal Max Schmuckberger who arrived for his first tour of Afghanistan just one week ago. Apparently, he had not been assigned an e-mail address yet.

Obama calls San Diego “cliff rescue” team to Capitol —  Facing the prospects of a stalemate with Congress, President Obama has called Sgt. Weldon Glance, the head of the San Diego Cliff Rescue Squad (SDCRS) to come to Washington to train his staff how to get off the cliff if budget talks stall. The SDCRS is very active on the cliffs overlooking Black’s Beach, famous for nude sunbathing. “People can’t just wander onto Black’s Beach,” said Sgt. Glance. “To get on the beach, people either have to walk miles or descend the steep cliffs above the beach. Unfortunately, many people get stuck on the cliffs. That’s where we come in.” President Obama said the training is appropriate since it will help his team focus on the boobs in Congress who are holding the nation hostage to extend lower tax rates for their wealthy contributors.”

Note:  Sorry it's taken so long to add a post to my blog. Would you believe I've been helping W clear brush at the ranch?

Just in case, Portman brought his birth certificate

In mock debates, Portman’s "Obama” positions gaining support from Romney’s staff

Columbus, OH (Bob’s Blog): It's no secret that Ohio Sen. Rob Portman has been playing President Obama in the mock debates for Republican candidate Mitt Romney. What is not being disclosed is that the positions Portman has been taking are winning considerable support from Romney’s staff.

Brett O’Donnell, Romney’s campaign coach, lamented “It never occurred to us that Obama’s ideas coming out of the mouth of a fellow Republican make a lot more sense than the constant stream of lies, fabrications, flip-flops and insanity that we had to adopt to get the nomination.”

“Frankly,” he added, “I can’t believe we won the first debate Wednesday. Up until then, Portman was 19 and 0 in our practice debates.”

When asked his opinion as to why the President seemed so flat, O’Donnell said, “We’re not sure, but we heard rumors that their mock debates with John Kerry were held on Kerry’s SeaDoo and didn’t go well.”

One reporter asked O’Donnell what position changes they've made in preparation for the second debate. “All of them,” he said. “You know the Etch-A-Sketch thing wasn’t just a metaphor. We’ve done all our planning on one. Romney insists on fluid positions.

In sports news, the Cleveland Browns have already lost their game against the New York Giants tomorrow afternoon. Science fiction experts contend that seeing the Browns lose another game in the future is the closest thing we have to time travel.

Santorum: Elections will be fair when only Republicans can vote

GOP proves voter fraud claims by

committing it themselves

Palm Beach, FL (Bob’s Blog): The Republican Party has proven to the nation that they were justified in passing draconian voter suppression laws by hiring Strategic Allied Consulting of Tempe (SACT), Arizona to commit fraud in five battleground states.

In Palm Beach, company spokesman Nathan Sproul took credit for signing up dead people, dogs, cats, unicorns and ACORN opponents. “That’s what we were hired to do,” he said, “register living things other than fern spores that could help the Republican ticket this November.” He added, “We figured that even if we got caught, it would have the additional positive effect of proving that voter fraud exists, something we’ve been missing in our efforts to keep those leeches from the 47 percents from voting.”

Democrats were quick to pounce on the effort. Said one administration official, “We think this approach is unacceptable. It would be like starting a war to prove we need to increase defense spending, and America’s leaders would never do that.”

Palm Beach Republicans used $3.1 million earned on E-Bay by selling bags of old election chads left over from the 2000 election to hire the consulting firm that is conducting similar registration campaigns in five battleground states. A spokesman from Florida Gov. Rick Scott’s office said, “We figured that just purging Democrats from the voting rolls wouldn’t be enough to get a toad like Romney elected.”

The GOP says it has severed ties with the consulting firm but some evidence is surfacing that indicates they will continue their assignment under a different name. One unnamed soured said that since Republicans successfully slandered the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now (ACORN) out of business and since they still had stationery left over, they’d adopt the ACORN acronym which will now stand for Always Corrupt Overreaching Republican Nutjobs.

In sports news, Cleveland Brown fans are ecstatic about their 0-4 start. One fan said, “We can’t believe the early season progress they’re making to earn the overall number one draft pick for next year.”

 

Brits asked to use "cherrio" instead of "ta-ta" when saying goodbye

The British Empire today declared war on

France over publication of royal boobs

London.: (Bob’s Blog) The British Parliament declared war on France today citing the decision by the French government to allow a French paper to publish topless photos of Her Royal Highness Duchess of Cambridge (nee Kate Middleton) taken while she and her husband Prince William (nee Prince William) were at a secluded chateau in the South of France.

“We are appalled that the French would publish pictures of Kate’s royal nipples,” said Prime Minister David Cameron. “The French have always shown such restraint when it comes to public nudity. I mean they put a robe on the Statue of Liberty didn’t they?”

French President François Hollande was unimpressed with the declaration of war but promised to surrender immediately.  

The Prince and Princess have not commented on the invasion of their privacy but unnamed sources inside Buckingham Palace have hinted that their lawyers will cover all the bases at trying to cover the royal boobs from public consumption. “Consumption of the Princess’ breasts is Prince William’s job,” one source said.

One member of the royal family was heard screaming about how careless it was for Kate to have exposed herself for some paparazzi with a telephoto lens to catch her in such a compromising position. “I think she should be ashamed or herself,” he said. “Being a member of the royal family carries with it an elevated sense of responsibility to use caution and good judgment before baring the crown jewels for the world to see.”

Others inside Buckingham Palace brushed off this scolding from Prince Harry (nee Prince Balls to the Wall). It was reported that the Queen asked if it would be possible to send Princess Kate to Afghanistan with Harry until things quieted down. “It seems that hanging around long enough to avoid that putz Charles from taking over was wasted effort,” the Queen said.

In other news, the Republican Party was continuing its efforts to elect its own pair of boobs by purchasing millions of dollars worth of air time. The newest ads will tout the party's ability to create thousands of new jobs for fact checkers at various news rooms across the nation.

Hillary stayed in New York to hold for extra points

Clinton claims he caught two TD passes for

NY Giants immediately before speech

Charlotte, NC: (Bob’s Blog) Bill Clinton told the delegates at tonight’s Democratic Convention that he had just caught two TD passes in tonight’s Cowboys-Giants NFL football game being broadcast by NBC while other networks were broadcasting the convention.

“I’d like to thank the Secret Service for getting me from the Cowboys-Giants game in time to speak. I’d also like to report that I caught two touchdown passes in the first half before being excused to report for duty here tonight,” Clinton said.

Clinton added, “I know what you’re thinking: How is that possible? All I can say is that if Paul Ryan ran a sub-three-hour marathon, I played tight end for the Giants tonight.”

While the crowd screamed their approval, the delegates from New York were pleading for him to cut the speech short so he could get back to the game.

Republican nominee Mitt Romney questioned Clinton’s claim saying that he doubted Clinton was able to kick any touchdowns.

Republicans to stock Tennessee River with alligators

Koch brothers open first Voter ID Store

Franklin, TN: (Bob’s Blog) In order to help disenfranchised voters, the Koch brothers have recently opened their first Voter ID Store in Williamson County, TN, considered by many to be the most conservative district in America. The store will pre-approve voting credentials for residents concerned with their voting status.

“We’re trying to keep our friends from being turned away from the polls for being millionaires,” said Charles Koch. “Frankly, we’re sick of the lines being clogged by the 10 local residents who aren’t rich. We’re paying our chauffeurs by the hour so we shouldn’t have to wait behind the riff raff.”

“Our new Voter ID Store will make it easier for any resident to vote. All they have to do is arrive in their limo to gain immediate access,” added David Koch. “They can present any of the following to get their voting credentials: their last scorecard from the country club, an auto registration for any BMW, Lexus or Mercedes or any other foreign car worth more than $75,000, a note from their broker showing a net worth of more than $25 million, or a stack of monogrammed cocktail napkins from one of their private jets. If they don’t have any of the above on election day, voters will have to show a torn ticket stub from any NASCAR race or Ted Nugent concert. A concealed carry permit will also work.”

When asked how an African-American, Hispanic or poor person might qualify to purchase an ID from their new store, Charles Koch said, “Blacks can get their credentials by swimming the across the Tennessee River 20 times or presenting a genealogical chart proving that they share at least one parent with Alan West. Hispanics have to be able to dunk a basketball from the free throw line and poor people have to show a photo ID taken by Annie Leibovitz.

When confronted with the statistics that show only 86 voter fraud convictions between 2002 and 2007 with more than 300,000,000 votes cast (0.0004 percent) mostly involving immigrants and former felons who were unaware of their ineligibility to vote, Charles Koch said, “See? It’s a massive problem. But, we’ve tried to provide equal access to all people especially those with lots of money.”

 

 

Geppetto may register as Democrat

After convention speech, Rep. Paul Ryan receives coveted Pinocchio Award from Disney

Tampa, FL.: (Bob’s Blog) The Cartoonists’ Club based at Disney World in Orlando Florida voted today to give the coveted Pinocchio Award to Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) for his over-the-top exhibition of lying to millions. The award, sculpted in the shape of a 24-inch long nose, was delivered to Ryan by a bagpipe playing leprechaun riding a purple unicorn with five legs … according to Fox News.

“He really earned this one,” slurred Republican Chairman Reince Priebus. “Neither I nor anyone I’ve garbled with since last night can recall such powerful and self-assured delivery of so many lies to so many people.”  

Even Fox News agreed. One Fox reporter called it the most lie-filled speech he’s ever heard. MSNBC pundits were caught off guard with the Fox report and wrongly assumed the speech must not have had lies in it since Fox News said it did. As confusing and complicated as this has become, the bottom line is that Ryan is walking away with the Pinocchio Award that has had such a rich past steeped in tradition.

Previous winners include Lyndon Johnson for his lie about the North Vietnamese attack on American warships in the Gulf of Tonkin, Richard Nixon for his “I’m not a crook” statement, Bill Clinton for his “I didn’t have sex with that woman” denial, former Sen. Larry Craig for insisting that he needs to take a wide stance in airport bathroom stalls when taking a crap, George W. Bush for ordering a Mission Accomplished banner, and Sarah Palin for saying she could see Russia from her house (or was that Tina Fey?) … regardless, she’d have won it for the death panel panic of 2008.

Ryan said he’s glad he won the award before tonight’s speech by Mitt Romney. “He’s the leader of the party and his lies will undoubtedly put mine to shame,” Ryan said. The Cartoonists’ Club said that when it comes to politics, multiple awards are always a possibility.

If Ryan’s prediction is true, Geppetto has vowed to register as a Democrat on Monday.

News Briefs

 

 
Augusta orders red tee markers—  By inviting former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice and South Carolina business executive Darla Moore  to join Augusta National , the private country club that annually hosts the prestigious Masters Tournament has removed one of the last bastions of male-only access to power.  Sadly, since none of the male members have ever consented to play a round of golf with a woman, and since Augusta requires members to have a foursome, it appears that Ms. Rice and Ms. Moore will have to wait another 80 years before they can actually make a tee time.

Curiosity engineers frustrated — NASA executives are frustrated with engineers in charge of the Mars rover Curiosity. It seems that progress at driving around the Martian surface has been slowed by orange cones at a construction site that have created a traffic jam near the landing site.  One engineer said, “We apparently have no greater likelihood of finding intelligent life on Mars than we do here on Earth.” 

Cleveland proposes an All-Pre-Season season:  After two victories in their first two pre-season games, new  Cleveland Browns owner Jimmy Haslam has proposed that the entire season consist of only pre-season games. Said coach Pat Shurmur, “Since we don’t seem capable of winning a regular season game, it only makes sense that we continue to play nothing more than pre-season games.”  When asked about the Browns’ proposal, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said, “Nice try, guys.”

Illegitimate rapists being released from Missouri prisons—   In an effort to follow up on Rep. Todd Akin’s (R-Missouri) comments about “legitimate rapes” not impregnating women, prison authorities today said they are releasing all rapists who had committed “illegitimate rapes.” Akin, who is currently running against Claire McCaskill for U.S. Senate, apparently made the comments after he had attended a Sunday school refresher course in obstetrics.  McCaskill said that she was not surprised at the comments since Akin had apparently attended Worcester Polytechnic Institute without getting an education.           

 Republicans pass embryo voting bill — Undeterred by the flap raised by Rep. Todd Akin’s comments about the ability of a woman’s eggs to differentiate between “good sperm” and “evil sperm,” Republicans have proposed legislation giving embryos the right to vote in the upcoming election. Rep. Ryan said, “We’re taking away the vote from so many adults we decided we needed a source of new voters who are likely to pull the levers for Republicans. After all, we’re the ones looking out for their interests … at least until they’re born, then the little buggers are on their own.”

Romney demands President’s apology

Obama capitulates to Romney:
“I’m sorry you’re such a two-faced,
lying putz.”

Washington, D.C.: (Bob’s Blog) In a brief announcement from the steps of the White House, President Obama finally capitulated to presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney’s demand for an apology. The President looked into the camera and said, “Mitt, I’m very sorry that you’re such a two-faced, lying putz.”

Romney, who had demanded the President apologize for recent campaign rhetoric was pleased that the President “caved it.” Romney apparently forgot his previous position that no President of the United States should go around the world apologizing to anybody.

“I’m different,” Romney said. “Since I’m made of money, twenty-four percent of me is 100 percent American while the rest of me is Euros and Pesos hidden in various banks around the world.”

In a later interview with Matt Lauer of NBC’s Today Show, President Obama said that the list of things he’s sorry for regarding Gov. Romney is quite extensive. “I’m sorry he’s against his own health plan. I’m sorry he’s hiding millions of dollars from taxation. I’m sorry he changes his positions so frequently he could debate himself and still lose. I’m sorry he won’t take responsibility for the things he did while simultaneously taking credit for things he didn’t.”

“Gov. Romney is so out of touch,” Obama said, “that my campaign promise to my daughters was that I’d never let Romney take Bo for a drive.”

Select world leaders busy polishing Romney’s assets

If elected, Romney vows international tour to visit his money

Boston, MA: (Bob’s Blog) Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney vowed today that, if elected, he will conduct a world tour to visit all of his money.

Leaders of China, India, nations of the Middle East and South America will have to wait for a visit from a future President Romney who pledged that since his money will have played such a crucial role in his election that it would only be fair to visit those countries first.

After the new paint dries on Air Force One Million, the new name Romney has planned for the presidential jet, Romney will fill-er-up with hi-test and head for Ireland, Luxembourg and Switzerland. After private lunches with his secret stash of cash in Europe, Romney will return to the Cayman Islands and finish his world tour with a brief vacation in Bermuda where he and his money will go SeaDoo riding together.

“It seems fair,” Romney said, “that I take the opportunity to thank those dollars that helped get me elected.

Spokespeople for the Obama campaign said that their attempts to get Romney’s money to return to America voluntarily have failed due to the intransigence of Republicans in Congress who believe that Romney earned the money so he should be allowed to hide it wherever he wants. “Joint custody of my money is not an option,” said Romney.

“Besides,” he added, “at a federal income tax rate less than 15 percent, I’m paying more than every homeless person I know. I’m not embarrassed by that at all.”  When asked, Romney could not name a homeless person.

EPA seeks airway limits on Limbaugh and others

Scientists link Republican pontificating to global warming

Washington, D.C.: (Bob’s Blog)  As meteorologists seek to answer the public’s questions about the latest string of 100-plus degree days, scientists have finally linked global warming with the significant production of hot air coming from Republicans in Congress and their big-mouth pieces like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter.

According to Dr. Steven Schmidtmeter of MIT, the hot air coming just from the Senate Republicans has been responsible for the Washinton, D.C.’s average temperature rising more than five degrees.

“We think we could get the climate under control if Republicans would just shut up,” Schmidtmeter said. “Even the ‘cool’ emanating from the White House can’t be expected to counteract the damage being done by the GOP hot-air machine.

Schmidtmeter added, “The biggest harm to our climate, however, is coming from Fox News and other right-wing broadcasters like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Glenn Beck and Ann Coulter. Every time one of them opens his or her mouth, it’s as if a 1,000 cows passed gas. It’s beginning to have world-wide implications.”

In other news, presumptive Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney commented on the recent discovery of the Higgs-boson “God” particle at CERN's Large Hadron Collider on the Swiss-French border. “Matter just doesn’t matter,” Romney said.

Romney starts process of Corvetteing potential VP candidates

He also promises to “square up” the Oval Office

Washington, D.C.: (Bob’s Blog)  Presumptive Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney told his staff that he has already begun the process of “Corvetting” potential vice presidential candidates. “I’ve already purchased five brand new Corvettes for Marco Rubio, Rob Portman, Jeb Bush, Bob McDonnell and Donald Trump,” said Romney.

Disbelieving staffers asked their leader if he didn’t mean that he had been “vetting” the candidates … researching their backgrounds and issue positions. “No,” Romney replied, “If I’ve learned anything in the primary, it’s that where a person stands on the issues is irrelevant. What matters is how much money we’ll have to spend to make their positions as fluid as mine.”

When asked about the Corvette Romney had delivered to his Florida address, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio said, “Mitt really wants me in the Hispanic neighborhoods. He sent me a custom Corvette with “low rider” shocks and motors and so I can lift the front, the back or the whole car about two feet. It also has red, white and blue under-carriage lighting for night campaigning.” 

When asked if the expenditure of such a large amount of money might feed the image that he is and out-of-touch rich guy with no grip on what the middle class is enduring, Romney responded, “I don’t think anyone will know since I took the money out of an off-shore slush-fund account in the Baha … I mean, doesn’t everyone buy cars for their friends?”

In other news, Romney told supporters that when he is elected, he will use his own money and his own car-elevator contractors to “square up” the Oval Office.

Republicans cry “foul” at today’s unveiling of former President George W. Bush’s portrait

Democrats say portrait captures the man at his best

Washington, D.C.: (Bob’s Blog) Republicans are crying foul after today’s White House unveiling of former President George W. Bush’s official portrait. President and Mrs. Obama welcomed the former president, his wife, Laura, his parents, the senior President Bush and Barbara, their daughters and a dozen other Bush family members.

The portrait was a hit with Democrats and White House aides who thought it fully captured the previous president’s administration. Republicans, however, were incensed. They believed that the portrait was totally unacceptable and low class.

Lost in the all the complaining, however, is the fact that the artist who painted the piece was actually selected by President Bush who admitted the hours of posing for the painting were a little uncomfortable.

“I got used to posing like this when I was a Yale frat boy,” said W, “and after eight years of cabinet meetings, war room sessions and campaign stumping, it really became second nature. To have posed any other way would not have been an accurate portrayal of my presidency.” 

Obama submits Republican primary campaign to the editors of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not

Entry would be next to world's largest wad of gum

Washington, D.C.: (Bob’s Blog) Today, President Obama announced that he has asked the editors of Ripley’s Believe It Or Not to consider the entire Republican presidential campaign for their next publication.
“I’ve been in politics a long time,” the President said, “and no one I know can believe what their own eyes and ears have seen and heard from the GOP candidates. The strange, unbelievable behavior of their candidates and supporters started five minutes into my inaugural speech in 2009 and has continued all the way through the Republican primary debates, speeches and campaign ads leading up to the Michigan vote this Tuesday.”
Obama added that he got the idea when he heard Mitt Romney telling auto workers in Michigan that it would have been better if they had lost their jobs.
Americans seem to agree that Republicans are participating in a process that only they understand. “My dad once told me that the only thing you’ll never see is bird crap under a cuckoo clock,” said one Independent voter, “but even my dad couldn’t have predicted the unbelievable actions and rhetoric being excreted by Romney, Santorum, Paul and Gingrich.”
One representative of Ripley’s said that even they could not believe the GOP campaigners.
In other news, Rep. Nancy Pelosi has proposed legislation affecting men. “If women are going to have to have an invasive vaginal probe procedure before having an abortion, my legislation will require men to get kicked in the nuts before having intercourse,” Pelosi said.