News Briefs

Already registered at Taylor Rental— Professional celebrity Kim Kardashian says she plans to remarry someday. “The failure of my first marriage is not indicative of my shallowness,” Kardashian said. “I’ll remarry someday. In fact, I’m already registered at Taylor Rental.” Kardashian impressed those who know her best by getting her last marriage to last 72 days. Her own mother had 66 days in the pool. Future husbands have been asked to get in line  and to bring a diamond ring of at least 10 carats as an entry fee.

Virgins hopping mad —Leaders in Heaven’s Islamic Sector have been getting an earful from the 72 virgins who were originally assigned to the underwear bomber. While he was a no-show due to the fact that he was unsuccessful in blowing up his own crotch, the virgins complained about the possibility that, had he succeeded, these virgins would not have had much luck in changing their status as virgins. “How are we supposed to lose our virginity if some moron comes here after detonating a pound of C-4 in his BVDs?” asked Ibin Su Hornae, one of the original 72 virgins who had been assigned to Umar Farouk Abduulmutallab. Terrorist trainers refused to comment.

Breveland Clowns?— Because they have not been to a single Super Bowl in that championship’s 45-year history, the Cleveland Browns are considering renaming themselves the Breveland Clowns. Organization President Mike Holmgren insists the change would be temporary. “We know that every team on our schedule considers the Browns to be a ‘bye week,’ said Holmgren. “If we can make them think they’re playing someone else, perhaps they won’t expect to beat us.” Fans give this ploy as good a chance of working as fielding a team with idle NBA players.

Mitt requests ‘Flush Mob’—   In an effort to reduce his image as being overly stiff, professional job exporter and Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney was heard telling his staff to plan a huge “flush mob performance” to send an aggressive message to Wall Street protestors.  When a staffer suggested that he may have meant “flash mob,” Romney said, “No, I mean ‘flush mob.’ We need to send those poor, lazy idlers a message that this nation wasn’t built by a bunch of protestors. Flushing their hopes down the drain is a way to send my fellow millionaires a message that their wealth will be safe with me in office.”

Sharp focus blurred— A recent poll of 1,345 Occupy Wall Street protesters shows they are sharply focused on 1,345 issues.  When asked what they hoped the protests would accomplish, every participant’s answer had one thing in common: they were all unique.

     

Practicing in mirror was the key

Romney wins head-to-head debate with himself

Boston, MA: (Bob’s Blog) Republican Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has made major

 headway in earning the GOP nomination by winning a head-to-head debate with himself. In a debate last night at Boston University’s Morse Auditorium, Gov. Romney was the only candidate who participated. Other candidates chose to forego the debate after agreeing that debating Romney was too confusing.

“On every issue, Mitt takes more positions than a Kama Sutra expert married to a yoga instructor,” said Newt Gingrich. “I can sure understand why Gov. Perry got confused enough in our earlier debate that he sounded like his brain jumped the tracks.” Candidate Ron Paul agreed. “Romney would have make King George believe our founding fathers were on England’s side. I don’t know why we should all be forced to debate the issues with a guy who flip-flops well enough to score a perfect 10 in the Olympic floor exercise.”

President Obama was reluctant to get involved in GOP politics but he did comment that if Republicans choose Mitt Romney as their standard bearer for 2012, he’s not sure any debates will be necessary. “From what my advisors have told me,” Obama said, “we agree on the very same issues we disagree on.”

Advisors from Romney’s campaign have been busy spinning the debate victory into solid poll numbers showing Romney surging forward from 20 percent to 20.001 percent.

Herman Cain’s campaign manager Mark Block said, “We’re not sure that (cough) Gov. (cough) Romney realized that (cough) the rest of the Republican (cough) candidates were not going to (cough, hack, snort, gulp) participate in the debate (cough.)

In one particularly sharp exchange, Romney said, “You call yourself a conservative and yet you signed into Massachusetts’ law a health care plan almost identical to Obamacare.”

In a very stern voice, Romney replied to himself, “As usual, you’re wrong about that. What I did was sign legislation for Massachusetts that’s nearly the same as Obamacare. There’s a difference.”

“How is that different?” Romney challenged.

“I did that for the people of my state. It gets me absolutely no votes anywhere else,” Romney snapped back.

When asked about the debate, candidate Michele Bachmann said she didn’t watch. “I watched Sarah Palin’s Alaska on my DVR while Marcus was in the other room listening to Streisand albums,” Bachmann said.

Romney is shocked

Perry promotes Texas solution for Washington woes: Electrocute Congress

Des Moines, Iowa: (Bob’s Blog) Republican Presidential candidate Rick Perry has taken a shocking position by promoting a Texas-style solution for the troubles in Washington: Electrocute Congress.

In a stump speech in Iowa, Perry told supporters that after “taking care of Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke,” he would solve the gridlock in Washington by electrocuting everyone in Congress. “I’m not wish-washy about my approach,” said Perry, “I traded e-mails with God last night and He encouraged me to amp up my attack on anyone who demonstrates common sense.”

Opponent Mitt Romney did not comment on Perry’s plan but instead was wondering why his parents named him after a piece of baseball equipment. “I go through this every October when the playoffs are on,” Mitt said.

In other campaign news, Sara Palin bravely announced that she was chickening out. “I’ve decided not to throw my dunce cap in the ring,” she said. “Does anyone want to buy a bus?” Palin added that, although she is not going to run, she plans to stay on the permanent vacation/campaign trail as long as there are people who are willing to buy gas for that huge guzzler.  

"I'm only getting nine lies per gallon and my supporters really need more than that to continue forking over more cash to me," Palin said.

Candidate Michele Bachmann announced that she was willing to negotiate with Palin for the bus if it could run on idiotic statements instead of lies.

Apparently, Utopia is Un-American

World peace and universal health and prosperity have finally been achieved. Tea Party members blame Obama.

Washington, D.C.: (Bob’s Blog) Tea Party members are blaming Pres. Barack Obama for the fact that world peace and universal health and prosperity have finally been achieved.

After thousands of years of war, disease, starvation, murder, thievery, sinning and global inequities in all facets of life, a brief visit by a small group of peaceful extraterrestrials created on Earth a rapture-like event that eliminated all the world’s problems including man’s desire to wage war, kill his fellow man and steal his neighbor’s possessions. After the event, no person on earth was hungry or ill. All diseases were permanently cured.

The aliens also taught Earthlings the secrets to permanently producing clean energy forever. Their methods have made consuming fossil fuels unnecessary and will permit the neutralization and safe disposal of all nuclear waste.

Prior to their departure from Earth, Pres. Obama asked a joint session of Congress for unanimous approval of a resolution to thank the aliens. The resolution was voted down by House Republicans and Senate Republicans threatened a filibuster. Rep. Eric Cantor said that the President should be held responsible for the damage done to our political system. “The President is playing a political game of one-upmanship,” he said. “We were not consulted before the aliens fixed Earth.”

In an interview with Fox News, former Vice President Dick Cheney accused the President of being “weak on defense for not bombing the aliens the moment they set their slimy little webbed feet on Earth.”

House Speaker John Boehner accused the President of participating in a conspiracy that prevented those in the oil and gas industry from making a profit from the aliens’ new technology. “How is America supposed to survive permanent peace and prosperity without drilling for oil and burning coal?” he said.

When asked about the strange reaction from Republicans, the President said, “I guess they think Utopia is Un-American.”

Rep. Michele Bachmann said if she is elected President, she will promote the construction of a fence around the Earth’s atmosphere to keep out all illegal aliens.

News Briefs 

It’s just too evil—  Satan has rejected a deal to purchase Fox News from Rupert Murdock’s News Corporation citing polls that show the station’s image is simply too evil. “I’ve talked it over with my team of every lawyer who ever lived and the consensus is that our brand would suffer if we added Fox News to our array of evil assets,” said the Dark Angel. “We have found that it’s only fun being evil if everyone knows we’re evil. Apparently, there are way too many viewers who are simply too, shall we say, uninformed to realize the degree to which Fox News is treading on our territory.
"It's a vicious cycle," Satan added. "People watch Fox for news and information but the more they watch it, the less informed they are. It's a thing of beauty. I'm sorry I didn't think of it."

Who needs testing?— The Department of Education has determined that election of Republicans proves that our schools are failing to educate Americans. “We have found that as the number of Republicans elected increases, test scores have shown a correlative decline,” said Sec. of Education Arne Duncan. “We simply have to make changes in our curriculum and delivery methods so that young Americans know better than to elect a Republican.” Some experts believe that the destruction of public education and the dumbing down of our citizens plays into the hands of Republicans who don’t want voters with IQs more than 100 points higher than that of Michele Bachmann.

Bronx Bombers to the rescue—   Today, President Obama was told that the federal deficit could be cut in half after implementation of an offer by the New York Yankees to contribute two week’s salary to the government. “We can run the Department of the Interior for a year on just what A-Rod makes in two weeks,” said Sec. Ken Salazar. “If this works, imagine the debt we can retire if Tiger Woods and David Beckham follow suit.”

Apple pie order—  Apple is about to introduce a new communications device capable of making totally insane people sound normal. One unnamed source inside Apple says the device will be called the iMad. The source says that the iMad prototype is currently being beta tested by candidates running for the Republican presidential nomination. “Candidates speak into the iMad and through use of a sophisticated group of applications, totally mad concepts, ideas and statements come out making reasonable sense,” said the source. He added that Apple engineers are well-aware that some serious debugging will be necessary before going public with the device.

How low can they go?— Congress’ approval rating has hit an all time low of 10 percent of Congress’  immediate family members. Discounting family, there is one guy in Topeka, Kansas who apparently approves of Congress. When asked how he could possibly approve of Congress, the man (who asked not to be identified) responded, “Would it be any better if they did get along and passed legislation?” Reporters present were all stumped for follow-up questions. Rep. Michele Bachmann said that the ratings seemed okay to her. "Ten percent isn't so bad when you consider that amounts to about half of all voters."

Strange bedfellows

World leaders to shelve personal meetings in favor of new antisocial media site called farcebook

Palo Alto, CA (Bob’s Blog): With their busy schedules filled with activities like planning wars, torturing protesters, stealing from taxpayers, gouging oil consumers, subjugating women, gassing citizens, taking bribes, growing heroin, dropping bombs, launching missiles, and other daily tasks, it’s nearly impossible for world leaders to stay connected. To solve this problem, Mark Zuckerberg is launching a new antisocial media site called Farcebook.

Farcebook will allow old friends to stay in touch, poke friends with Cruise missiles or even “live chat” with dead people. Many current and former world leaders are already excited about the prospects. Former President Jimmy Carter said he can hardly wait to see photos from his old pal Manuel Noriega who is vacationing in La Sante Prison in France. “He worked so well with our guys in the CIA,” said Carter.

And since his ouster from Libya, Moamar Gaddafi has been unavailable for his BFFL, former British Prime Minister Tony Blair. “I miss his firm handshake and the whirlpool baths he had in all his palaces,” Blair said. “I especially loved the one with the mosaic tile image of Condoleezza Rice on the pool wall.”

Former President George W. Bush lamented that because Laura is not big on public displays of affection, he misses holding hands with Saudi Arabian Crown Prince Abdullah. “I suppose the new Farcebook site won’t be quite the same, but it will sure allow Abby and me to stay in touch emotionally,” Bush said.

Zuckerberg says his new Farcebook site will even allow former U.S. Sec. of Defense Donald Rumsfeld to IM with his close friend and formerly-alive Iraqi despot Saddam Hussein. “We’ve figured out a way to interface with those who have crossed over to the other side,” Zuckerberg said. “We got the idea from the movie The Sixth Sense. We’ve taken the “I see dead people” concept to the next level. Now, you’ll be able to live chat with them.”

Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann expressed some reservations about the new site. “I’m not sure my anti-virus program is current enough to prevent infection from those who died of some illness like the China Syndrome,” she said.



BCS proposes adding “Ineligible Bowl” for Jan. 1.

Only 12 football players eligible nationally as NCAA finishes doling out suspensions

Indianapolis, IN: (Bob’s Blog) After the NCAA completes final 2012 suspensions of football players who accepted illegal cash, gifts or benefits, experts have determined that 12 players will still be eligible nationally. “We can field either an offense or a defense, oh and one kicker,” said NCAA President Mark Emmert. We’ll be looking for some international teams we can schedule for home games that will rotate to various stadiums from coast to coast. We’re committed to keep amateur football alive.”

When one reporter asked if players would ever reap any financial benefit from the billions of dollars that they helped bring to their universities while risking serious injuries on the field, Emmert said, “We already pay for their schooling, room and board, books and occasional keggers. That’s enough, isn’t it?"

Emmert continued, “The NCAA wants student-athletes to understand that cheating will not be tolerated. We will not allow our stadiums to become stained with corruption like the halls of Congress.”

Former Ohio State Coach Jim Tressel said that winners never cheat and cheaters never win. When reminded that he won 12 of thirteen games in 2010 with six players who would have been ineligible had he not hidden those players’ violations from the NCAA, Tressel said, “You know? I think I got an e-mail about that.”

At the prospect of losing millions in post season revenues, a Bowl Championship Series (BCS) representative said that they are planning an “Ineligible Bowl” on New Year’s Day. "It should be huge," the BCS representative said.

GOP presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said that as a Minnesota resident, she is a big football fan and can’t wait for her Badgers to win another Pac-10 title.

Perry giving athiests a reason to pray

Perry demonstrates confidence by ordering new pews and hymnals for Capitol Building

Austin, TX: (Bob’s Blog) Texas Gov. Rick Perry is apparently confident enough in his chances to win his party’s nomination and the general election that he has placed an order for new pews and hymnals for the Capitol Building.

“I know what Americans need,” said Perry. “And my first act as President will be to conduct Congressional choir tryouts. Then we’re going to balance the budget by having a national bake sale.” Perry says his wife Anita will contribute to the bake sale by making her famous sage brush salad and filet of armadillo served on a bed of cactus thorns.

When one reporter suggested that turning the Capitol Building into a cathedral might violate the separation of church and state, Perry was indignant. “When ya’ll come down to Texas and see how hot it is, ya’ll will be praying for rain just like me. Did ya’ll notice that my prayers convinced God to send Irene to leave us tons of rain. I just wasn't specific enough about where He should put it.”

Perry added that when he’s able to implement his agenda as President, more people than ever will agree that the federal government is worthless. "I believe that government is terrible; and when I'm elected, I'll prove it," Perry said.

Republican Presidential candidate Rep. Michele Bachmann argues that she is just as committed to bringing God back to our federal government as Gov. Perry. “Remember, I was the one who prayed for tropical storm Lee this week; and Lee dumped loads of rain in the heart of Texas there in New Orleans.”

If he only had a heart

Cheney non-apologetic for being a Dick

New York, NY: (Bob’s Blog) Former Vice President Dick Cheney’s has hit the talk show circuit to hawk his new book, In My Time. In the book, Cheney describes that his parents gave him the name “Dick” and he’s not going to apologize for having that name. “I was born a Dick, I’ve lived my life as a Dick and I’ll die a Dick,” Cheney said.

Others who know him best agree. “Not since Benedict Arnold has the country known a public servant like Dick,” said neo-con friend and war monger Donald Rumsfeld. “I’ve dropped millions of tons of bombs on people all over the world and even I couldn’t sink as low as Dick. I swear he and Leona Helmsley must have lived together in Amityville.”

Cheney, who has had a long history of heart problems resulting in surgery that replaced his heart with a margarita blender, commented that he feels just fine. He’s also pleased to announce that he no longer needs his breath screen and storm trooper helmet.

“He was like a father to me …” said former Sec. of State Condoleezza Rice, “… an abusive father who disagreed with every $@#ing recommendation I ever made. And it’s not like one of us was right and one of us was wrong,” she added. “Somehow we could be on opposite sides of an issue and both be wrong.”

Cheney has won numerous awards including the Bernie Madoff Humanitarian Award, the George Custer Commendation for Military Strategy, and the Marie Antoinette Cake Bake Off.

Cheney said that he is proud that he has always been in total, 100 percent agreement with himself. If this book sale is successful, he plans another book titled, The Grinch Who Started the War in Iraq.
Republican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said she will read Cheney's book when it comes out in Cliff's Notes.

Sgt. Schultz would have been proud

Muammar Gaddafi slips past Pakistani Army checkpoint by using alias Moamar Gadhafi

Chaman, Pakistan: (Bob’s Blog) Crack Pakistani Army Intelligence officers missed an opportunity to capture recently deposed despot Muammar Gaddafi. The former Libyan ruler and Condoleezza Rice Fan Club President apparently used a brilliant spy trick of adopting the alias Moamar Gadhafi on his passport papers.

“Who could have seen through a ruse like that,” said former Pakistani President and Army General Pervez Musharraf.  “The brilliance of not using a disguise and cleverly changing his name is more diabolical than almost any Pakistani soldier could be expected to recognize.”

“Besides,” Musharraf said, “photos taken at the check point show he wasn’t wearing dark glasses. It’s very much like when Osama bin Laden evaded Pakistani Army eyes by slouching two inches shorter than he actually was.”

Gaddafi’s whereabouts is currently unknown but high level Pakistani intelligence sources say that there is no way on earth that he’s nowhere on earth. “After utilizing the full extent of our intelligence sources, we determined that Gaddafi is somewhere,” said Gen. Haroon Aslam. “Pinpointing a specific location, that’s the challenge.”

When asked what measures they would take if they locate Gaddafi, the general said that they have a compound currently in foreclosure equipped with flat screen television, a dvd player and plenty of Condoleezza Rice videos. Meanwhile, the Pakistani Army has ordered the entire set of Hogan’s Heroes “Guarding for Dummies” training tapes.

When asked about strained relations with Pakistan, Republican Presidential candidate Michele Bachmann said, “First, we need to find Osama bin Laden, then if Obama doesn’t improve relations with Pakistan, I’m not buying any more Cashmere sweaters.”  

Lone Star State going it alone

To save country from its governor, Texas legislature approves his request to secede from union

Austin, Independent Republic of Texas: (Bob’s Blog) Brave legislators in Texas voted to approve Gov. Rick Perry’s previous request to secede from the union.

“After he (Gov. Perry) skyrocketed to the position of favorite among the Republican candidates for President, we had to do something to protect the rest of the nation,” said one unnamed senator in Austin. “Texans had to take the rap for eight years of George W. Bush even though we knew he was an interloper from Connecticut. But when we elected Perry, it was déjà vu all over again. We figured if we didn’t secede, the other 49 states would probably vote to give us back to Mexico anyway.”

President Obama took the news surprisingly well. “I want what’s best for America and for the people of Texas. Even though it is not what my idol Abraham Lincoln would have wanted, I think we can still be a strong nation with the 56 states we’ll have left.”

While most Americans voiced ferocious ambivalence to the vote, the strongest opposition came from Mexico City where leaders are still convinced that Texas was stolen from them in the 1800s. They have long campaigned for Texas to be given back and for Oklahoma to be thrown in as reparations. “The gringos took our land and our oil,” said one Mexican official.

Other Mexicans were not as excited about the move. “If Texas becomes part of Mexico, then I just wasted a lot of energy,” said one Mexican interviewed after he had just finished swimming across the border.

Legislators in Austin insist that Texas is no longer part of the United States and certainly is not part of Mexico. “We are an independent nation,” said one representative. “And we’re going to seek foreign aid from America to help us balance our budget.”

Michele Bachmann said that Texas should remain part of the United States. "Everyone knows that the United States earned the right to Texas when we kicked Spain's butt at the Alamo," she said.

Bachmann is RNC’s top space cadet

GOP faithful applaud RNC’s efforts to provide jobs for space cadets

Cape Kennedy, FL : (Bob’s Blog) Since the government cancelled the space shuttle program, the Republican National Committee has been doing its part to provide jobs to a large class of space cadets.

“It’s a perfect fit,” said RNC Chair Reince Priebus. “Giving this opportunity to so many of those whose heads are in the clouds means we’re on the nose cone of the job-creation rocket.” When reminded that only one of their presidential candidates will actually have a chance of becoming President, Reince said that this would be an improvement on what Congress has created since Clinton was in office.

Sources within the White House were quick to point out that the media should be leery of anyone named Reince Priebus. “It’s obviously an alien name,” said one White House aide. “If ET had had a name it would have been Reince Priebus.”

On the campaign trail, top GOP space cadet Michele Bachmann was seen searching Amazon.com for a flat globe to put in her office.

News Briefs  

Same old new worries?—  The most recent stock market plunge is being blamed on same old “new worries.” Market analysts said that this week’s nearly 420 point dive was due to new worries about France, new worries about Italy, new worries about Greece, new worries about unemployment, new worries about Congressional gridlock, new worries about oil prices, new worries … oh, crap, let’s face it, these are the same old worries.  Anyone for a game of Wii bowling?

USA USA USA— We’re #1, we’re #1, we’re #1 except in: number of college graduates -12^th (1^st=Canada); auto manufacturing-2^nd  (1^st=Japan … pre-earthquake); making beer-2^nd (1^st=China); high tech exports-2^nd (1^st=China); commercial aircraft production-2^nd (1^st=Airbus Europe); coal production-2^nd (1^st=China); lettuce production-2^nd  (1^st=China); oil production-3^rd  (1^st=Russia); rice production-11^th  (1^st=China); wind energy generation-2^nd  (1^st=China); pork production-2^nd  (1^st=China). In addition, apparently American teens are doing their part of not being #1 by ranking 25^th  in math and 17^th in science. The United States ranks 23^rd in infrastructure and 27^th in life expectancy. But, take heart, America. We’re still number one in guns owned, most crime (for rich countries), debt and obesity.  You want fries with those stats?

Good News-Bad News—   Vice President Joe Biden received good news and bad news about the outcome of the good will competition between American and Chinese athletes. The good news was that the judges scored the fights between USA v China a draw. The bad news was that it was a basketball game not a boxing exhibition. On a positive note, the trade imbalance has been evened … at least in the "trading punches" category.

There's only one way to spell ‘lunatic’—  What’s-his-name has apparently escaped from Libyan rebels whose apparent mission is to determine how their former dictator spells his name. Among the 37-plus spellings the internet has listed for “him,” journalists have often used Gaddafi, Gadhafi, Khadafi, Qaddafi, Khadafy and Gadaffi. Journalistic style editors agree that media outlets should pick ten spellings and stick with them. To promote professionalism in journalism, they also advise not using more than five spellings in the same article.

Palin’s good idea— Washington insiders are taking a second look at creating Death Panels in light of recent Social Security Trustee reports showing that the federal safety net program will be broke by tomorrow afternoon. One trustee told a Congressional committee that by 2012 employees will have to issue paychecks to their employers. While administration officials said that this would be unacceptable, they left some wiggle room when they did not react negatively to proposals from Republican Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann to eliminate the minimum wage and to bludgeon puppies on Labor Day on the Capitol steps.

Tackling problems not on GOP agenda

For third year in a row, GOP football camp focuses on “blocking”

Washington, DC : (Bob’s Blog) As the new football season rapidly approaches, GOP players and coaches are again putting 100 percent of their training efforts into “blocking” … anything the President tries to do to “tackle” the problems facing the nation.

“It used to be that blocking AND tackling were important,” said a Republican strategist working for new Presidential candidate Rick Perry. “But since Obama’s election we’ve discovered that just blocking is our most valuable tool. Heck, we Republicans haven’t tackled anything but repaying our contributors in more than 10 or 20 years.”

Recent victories in getting the Obama Administration to compromise with itself over issues like the extension of the Bush tax cuts, the raising of the nation’s debt limit and the successful defeat of a single-payer national health program have all given the Republicans reason to believe their game plan is solid.

On the campaign trail, Rep. Michele Bachmann insisted that the voters want the President to leave Iowa, return to Washington and start working on “tackling” the nation’s problems. “If he’s here, what will we have to block when we get back to Washington,” Bachmann said. “We’ve had all these blocking practices and he’s not giving us anything to block.”

Also in Iowa, Pres. Obama denied that his campaign bus trip is a campaign bus trip in the same sense that Sarah Palin is on a vacation drive. He also said that he has left Washington in good hands. “Vice President Biden is behind closed doors and in heavy negotiations about the grand plan that failed several weeks ago. He’s been making tremendous progress by utilizing the tried and true practice of simple compromise,” the President said. When asked who else is in these negotiations with the VP, Obama said, “No, it’s just Joe. He’s in there by himself. And so far this week, he’s conceded only five or six of our negotiating positions.”

White House Press Secretary Jay Carney said that things should be much easier for the Presidents team now that their playbook is down to one page: Hail Mary on one.

Bears loaded with bull

In face of economic doom, Wall Street brokers demonstrate calm … one minute at a time.

New York, NY: (Bob’s Blog) Showing all the calm and steady handedness of Chicken Little when he thought the sky was falling, brokers on Wall Street have been taking the American economy on a quite a ride … one needing barf bags.

We interviewed broker Trey Durr on the floor of the New York Stock Exchange & Fun House last week.

Blog: Trey, you just bought 50,000 shares of Pacific Paper. Why?

Trey: Because today’s jobless report shows a greater than expected number of new jobless claims.

Blog: So?

Trey: Resumes, my friend. These out-of-work saps have to submit resumes on paper, don’t they?

Blog: Well, no. In fact, many younger people are simply using new technologies to network with friends and professional acquaintances to find new employment.

Trey: Hold on. FRANK. Dump Pacific Paper, now. SELL IT ALL! They’re doomed. Now, next question.

Blog: On the other hand, many of the unemployed are older … baby boomers who haven’t been trained in the new technologies.

Trey: Really? Hold on. FRANK. BUY IT ALL BACK! Pacific Paper is on the ol’ bull train. Now, next question.

Blog: We’ve got our sound bite, Trey. Thanks for your time.

Trey: You’re … BUY, SELL, BUY, SELL … welcome … BUY, SELL, BUY, SELL.

In other news, caffeine futures are up.

More gold medal numbskulls

Olympic planners may add riotous events to London games.

London, England: (Bob’s Blog) Olympic planners in London have been inspired by street thugs to add several riot-oriented events to the 2012 games. Organizers have even suggested replacing the carrying of the traditional torch by having Prime Minister David Cameron drive a flaming bus into Olympic Stadium.

The list of possible events include: Police car tipping, rock throwing for both accuracy and distance, looting for weight, looting for total dollar value and rubber bullet dodging.

Labor leader Ed Miliband said, “It’s about time we brought the games into the 21^st Century. Adapting a track and field event like the steeple chase by asking entrants to negotiate flaming dumpsters, hurdle police barricades and avoid bobbies with clubs adds a video game-like element that will draw younger viewers.”

When asked if the rioting thugs will be invited to participate in the opening ceremonies, committee chairperson Sebastian Coe said, “Not formally; but nobody invited them to set London on fire, either; and that didn’t stop them, did it ol’ chap?”

Coe, who is a former 1980 and 1984 Olympic gold medalist in middle distance running, believes that top world competitors have an increased chance of setting new world records if they are being chased by an angry mob of ruffians.

IOC President Jacques Rogge is confident that the recent rioting in London will not affect his approach to the games since his wife has made vacation plans for them to be in the Bahamas during the games.

What goes around ...

Caddy Steve Williams joins list of those better off divorced from Tiger Woods

Akron, OH: (Bob’s Blog) Professional Caddy Steve Williams has joined the list of those who are apparently better off being divorced from Tiger Woods. The Woods/Williams divorce recently split up what many considered the most successful pro-caddy marriages in links history.

On Sunday, Woods’ former caddy Steve Williams was on the winner’s bag when Australian Adam Scott won the WGC Bridgestone Invitation in Akron, Ohio. Woods recently divorced Williams for playing around with Adam Scott while Tiger was recovering from knee surgery. “If there’s one thing that is totally unacceptable to me, it’s infidelity,” said Tiger. “That Stevie felt he could carry Adam’s bag and wash his balls was more than I could take.”

“Breaking up is hard to do,” said Williams, “and I wish Tiger only the best … in his future career as a golf analyst for CBS.” And CBS and the Golf Channel and just about every announcer, news writer and broadcaster on earth will have to do something to keep Woods in the forefront of their coverage. “We’re going to provide Tiger coverage whether the fans want it or not,” said one producer. “That’s why 95 percent of our coverage is of Tiger … 75 percent when he’s not playing.

“When he’s not out here, we have to show shots hit by … uh … you know, some of those other guys. If Tiger isn’t in a tournament, viewership and attendance drop drastically.” When asked if their myopic coverage of Tiger hasn’t actually created the problem, the producer said he’d ask Tiger in the media tent.

In response to one question about what happened to his dominating game, Tiger said that Elin got it in the divorce.  

Is hell week over yet?

To avoid downgrading, Obama asks S&P for pass-fail status

Washington, D.C: (Bob’s Blog) Seeking to avoid the recent downgrading of the U.S. economy from AAA to AA-Plus, President Obama has asked Standard & Poor’s for pass-fail status.

“If they let me take economics pass-fail, I think I can squeak by with a pass and it won’t hurt my GPA,” said the President. “I probably could have done better on my mid-terms if I hadn’t been out partying with all those Republicans. I think those darn guys are spiking the tea.”

Asked about his partying ways, several Republicans agreed that the President was fitting in well. “He’s been acting just like one of the boys,” said Republican pledge chairman John Boehner. “If he keeps this up, we’ve actually considered nominating Barack to run as a Republican in 2012.”

Rush Chairman Mitch McConnell agreed. He added that the current slate of Republican rushees was really weak. “Barack measures up well … one of the best ever,” McConnell said. “Even our late Brother Ron Reagan didn’t get us 98 percent of what we were asking for.”

   Obama classmate Timothy Geitner said, “When I was in school, an A+ was pretty darn good. Getting an AA+ should be good enough for to be on the dean’s list, shouldn’t it? I don’t see what the big deal is. Maybe we should go back to the old A, B, C, D and F scale.”

Iota Beta Drum Sorority Social Chairman Michele Bachmann was appalled at the downgrading. "I don't know how Americans are supposed to get their trip tik maps without AAA," she said.  

 Because they were on semester break, Representatives for S&P could not be reached for comment.

Olympic diving judges give Dow

perfect 10s for massive belly flop

NY: (Bob’s Blog) Olympic judges have given the DOW Jones Industrial Averages across-the-board tens for Thursday’s dive of more than 512 points.

One judge said he hasn’t seen a massive belly flop receive a perfect score like that since 2008. “Generally, contestants don’t practice belly flops. Most competitive diving judges look for clean, low-splash entries; but when we saw the Dow practically empty the pool, we really had to score it accordingly.”

When asked about the dive, the Dow modestly gave most of the credit to Congress. “By actually debating the pros and cons of destroying the American economy, members of Congress have put in thousands of hours preparing me for just this moment. I couldn’t have done it without them.”

Worldwide reaction to the rare perfect score was immediate. Other markets in Asia and Europe have been seen duplicating the belly flop dive in an attempt to become a medalist. “Silver and bronze aren’t what we’re shooting for.” said Greece. Italy echoed the sentiment. “We want the gold,” they said.

“Since just about everyone wants gold, its price has soared,” said the Dow. “I just hope that the entire pool isn’t empty the next time we have to take a plunge like I did yesterday.”

In a related story, ex-President George W. Bush was quoted as saying, “The early training programs we put in place from 2001 to 2008 are really paying dividends in this competition. While I’m proud of my role in what the Dow accomplished yesterday, I think the contributions of the current group of Republicans who are even more committed to destroying our economy can’t be ignored.”

Murchochs apologize

Murdochs’ apology focuses on journalistic ethics of getting caught. Both vow to improve on previous remedy of simply paying off victims.

LONDON: (Bob’s Blog) News Corporation’s bosses Rupert and James Murdoch issued their humble apologies for apparently doing nothing wrong. The father and son duo responded to a barrage of questions from a committee of Parliament with a barrage of I-don’t-knows and I-don’t-have-that-informations.   Deftly utilizing a clever stuttering technique, James Murdoch demonstrated the Peter-Principal qualities that made genetics the obvious criteria for his selection as Chairman and Chief Executive of News Corporation. With his son at his side, Rupert Murdoch did his dead-on impersonation of Grumpy Old Man Walter to son James’ impression of Ventriloquist Jeff Dunham.

            James Murdoch (l.) and Rupert Murdoch (r.)                                Walter (l.) and Jeff Dunham (r.) ... see?

Both father and son said that they would be more than willing to cooperate with investigators and police but warned that it would take time to find law enforcement officers who weren’t on their payroll. The senior Murdoch said it would be considerably more difficult to flesh out employees who were guilty of hacking especially since NOT hacking would remove News Corps main investigative tool.

After the thorough grilling, the committee broke for lunch while Rupert Murdoch and his wife settled for a simple dessert of Barbasol pie.

Boehner confesses

Boehner confesses that debt ceiling impasse due to grudge over $2 price hike at favorite tanning salon

This week, Speaker of the House John Boehner explained why he is being all pissy about the vote to raise the nation’s debt limit. “I’m ashamed to admit it, but I’m still carrying a grudge against the part of Pres. Obama’s health care bill that calls for a 10 percent tax increase on tanning salons.”

 As tears welled up in his eyes, Boehner issued his confession after a reporter noticed that the Speaker looked a little paler than normal. Most assumed that Boehner’s ashen appearance was due to the realization that defaulting on America’s debt would thrust the world into total and complete economic collapse followed by global anarchy and then thermo-nuclear war.

“No, that’s not what bothers me,” said Boehner, “I just haven’t been willing to cough up an extra $2 every time I want to bronze up my tan. It’s wrong for Obama’s plan to single out tanning salons for increased taxation.

“Besides,” Boehner added “tanning salon owners are big job creators. Besides the tanning technicians in each salon, the industry plays an integral part in keeping dermatologists employed and skin cancer clinics fully staffed … even in cloudy climates.”

“It’s easy to keep a dermatologist’s office packed in Florida, Texas or Arizona, but what about in Cleveland or Seattle? Without tanning salons in those climates, it would be almost impossible to damage your skin enough to catch skin cancer. So, it follows that Obamacare’s attack on tanning salons is a job killer.”  

Being the elected representative from Cincinnati, Ohio, makes Boehner somewhat of an expert on lousy climates and joblessness. Ohio’s unemployment rate is higher than the national average because of jobs lost in the hard-hit manufacturing sector. When asked about this fact, Boehner said, “No, that’s not the reason. It’s because Republicans have control of the governor’s office as well as both houses of the state legislature … no wait.” Boehner’s eyes welled up again as he raced off.